I picked out a little pink sweater for you today, honey. It has lace around the throat and sleeves. If only I could see you in it right now, all dolled up. I stood there in the store and got lost in thought for a while. I could picture you running around, playing with the stuffed bunnies on the shelves. Somehow I always picture you with a bunny rabbit. Long fluffy ears are good for catching tears. I hope you wonít have much sorrow in your life, though. Bunnies are good for just being friends, too.
I could picture you in each of the little dresses hanging on the racks. You swirled in a happy dance when you saw the red one covered with little hearts, and giggled when I told you I loved you for each heart on that dress. Next I found a purple jumper with little green froggies. I wonder if youíll be a tomboy who likes the mud?
The shoppers must have wondered about me, as I touched all the clothes and cried, but I think the young lady who worked there sensed my need to be left alone. Maybe she was a Christian too. I could almost feel her prayers for me.
I left the store with reluctance, buying only the one little sweater. Somehow being surrounded by baby and toddler things makes you seem more real to me. I drove with the sweater in my lap, and could almost hear you singing along with the Veggie Tales CD.
When I arrived at the Crisis Pregnancy Center I allowed myself to sit in the car for a few minutes. I took my time cutting the price tag off the sleeve with my nail clippers. I pictured your little nails, polished pink to match the cotton yarn.
The kind receptionist inside the Center looked up with recognition when I entered. She didnít say much, but gave me a tight hug, like she does each year I come in. Her hands were soft as she took the sweater, and her eyes said what her voice couldnít.
I hope she knows I donít wallow in the past. This one afternoon each year is my special time with you, when I let myself think of what it might have been like to have you in my life for a little longer, to be the one who cheered when you took your first step, the one you turned to when you fell.
Deep in my heart I know you understand why we arenít together. Your Christian family will have taught you that, will have told you that it was because I love you more than I love myself. I wanted to keep you. Wanted you so badly it ripped my very heart out when I let you go. But I was bigger than my own wants, by Godís grace. I knew you needed a daddy, and a family that could give you so much more than this hurting new Christian who was still a child herself.
I hope the memory gift I gave the Center will go to a child who will be as blessed as you. I pray the parents of that little girl will be strong enough to do the best thing, whether that be to keep her or let her go to another.
Itís been six years now, darling. Know that I love you with all my heart, and that I pray for you every day. I thank God for your family who keeps you safe and strong for me. Someday in heaven weíll meet, and Iíll give you all the hugs Iíve held in my heart these many years.
Happy Birthday, my love,
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