Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Write in the SCIENCE FICTION genre (05/10/07)
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TITLE: Greja's Choice | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jacquelyn Horne
05/15/07 -
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Horch knew Greja was promised, but she was so beautiful, he couldn’t help but try to win her hand. Greja, on the other hand, liked Horch’s attention, but felt obligated to her promise to Burwa. After all, he was putting his life in jeopardy for her and her people. Guilt had more to do with her commitment than true love.
Horch and Greja had met at a clandestine gathering of Amernoes who were experiencing contact with a universal God. A young Earthling, brought to Amerno, had introduced the group to her God. Since he was God of the universe, many of Greja’s friends had accepted him into their hearts.
Burwa had never done so. Before he left for Japeuge, he had scoffed and told Greja to get this God out of her mind if she was going to be betrothed to him. Greja had promised to try. But this God was too great, too loving, too all-powerful for Greja to denounce his existence. She had become a true believer.
Horch could see the sadness in Greja’s face and wished he could make it go away. He didn’t know how, but he had to try.
“Smile, Greja,” laughed Horch. “The war will soon be over and Burwa will be home again.” He didn’t really care, but he wanted Greja happy.
“I know,” said Greja, “That’s part of my problem. Burwa doesn’t want to have God in our lives. I feel like I have to choose between them, and the choice is piercing my heart.”
“Are you sure that Burwa will not change his mind when he sees how happy it makes you to serve God?” Horch said.
“He’s definitely against it,” sighed Greja. “He doesn’t want any god messing up his evil ways. He loves war, hate of the enemy and the power that his evil ways give him. He’ll never change. He’ll die in a scrimmage one day.”
“And you’ll be left alone, possibly with children one day,” Horch informed Greja. He was beginning to feel as sad as Greja.
“But I am a believer in God, and I have promised to be Burwa’s companion.” Greja was crying by now. Confused and downhearted.
“But you would not be doing the right thing to become his companion when you know he wants a companion who will pursue evil as he does,” Horch said adamantly. “Better to let him know your choice is for God now, than to hide it from him.”
“You’re right,” agreed Greja. “I’ll have to let him know that I’ve changed my mind. I just feel bad doing it.”
“Greja?” Horch said cautiously. “Could you ever consider being my companion?” He regretted saying it the minute he saw the pain in Greja’s eyes.
“I have thought that way many times.” Greja’s words surprised him. “But I knew you would not want a companion who had hurt another as I am hurting Burwa.”
Through the next weeks, Greja and Horch did not communicate. They saw each other at the God meetings, but stayed away from each other as much as possible.
After a couple of months, Burwa came home. When he came to see Greja, he was haughty and surly. He let her know right away how disappointed he was in her decision to live for this universal God. He also let her know that he was not the faithful kind of Amerno. He had no intention of living for a God, and in no way was he going to be the companion of one woman. She could just find someone else to help fulfill her Godly life.
Greja could barely conceal her heartbreak at his decision to choose evil. But joy flooded her heart when she realized that he had just released her from her promise to him.
……………………………………………
Horch could not believe his eyes the next time he went to meeting. Greja was coming toward him with a smile on her face. She is still the most beautiful creature alive, Horch thought. She was going to talk to him! This universal God really does answer prayer.
“Horch, we need to talk,” said Greja coyly. “Burwa doesn’t want me as his companion, and I don’t know what to do. Can you help me make a decision?” Greja said demurely as she batted her pretty eyes at him…
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The first several paragraphs had an awful lot of narration ("telling") and several unfamiliar names to master. You might think about ways to incorporate that background information in the the words and descriptions of your POV character. It felt as if we were several paragraphs in before the actual story started.
But it was great, once it got really rolling! I enjoyed it immensely.
Lovely plot and message ... Kudos!