Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Write in the HUMOR genre (04/12/07)
-
TITLE: Three Strikes, Two Balls and a Tube of Lipstick | Previous Challenge Entry
By David Morey
04/16/07 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
As part of my treatment, my therapist led me through sessions of hypnosis to help me uncover and deal with the major stresses I endured as a T-Ball coach but promptly blocked from conscious memory in self-defense. She told me that sharing these with other T-Ball coaches could become a therapeutic response to my disorder.
I’m feeling stressed today so I am offering to all of you T-Ball coaches the benefit of my hard-learned experience. Hopefully it will help reduce some of the unbelievable ball field stress you are forced to endure. And, more importantly, hopefully, it will help me feel better.
“THE GLOVE GOES…!”
Oops.
1. A T-Ball Player Has An Attention Span of 6.55235 Milliseconds
Through hypnotherapy, I discovered that, on average, I yelled, “PAY ATTENTION” 14,651 times per inning. Knowing an inning averages 16 minutes, I was able to calculate the attention span of T-Ball players. Had I understood the true magnitude of this problem, I would not have spent so much time yelling, “PAY ATTENTION”. I would have simply hired a flying marquee that said “PAY ATTENTION” to buzz around the field during game time. Due to some undefined phenomenon, T-Baller attention spans increase to infinity plus or minus one second when aircraft are in the vicinity. They still would not have paid attention to the game but, at least, they would have paid attention. That is, until a fly ball hit someone in the head and the resulting screams captured the other players’ attention for about 6.55235 milliseconds.
In three years I yelled “PAY ATTENTION” 4,395,301 times. I never improved anyone’s attention span. I am currently being treated for TMJ disorder.
2. T-Ball Diamonds are a Leading Factor in Urinary Control Problems
The standard pre-game routine for T-Ball is catch and throw, batting warm-up and restroom time. All T-Ballers are required by law to visit the restroom not more than two minutes before first swing. At my coaching debut, my team charged from the restroom and onto the field to begin the game. Within 18 seconds they all began prancing in a fashion that was something of a mix between a Waltz and a Mambo. I thought they were doing some kind of pre-game dance they had learned from the older players (and it was a really nice dance) until they all said at once, “Coach, I gotta go potty”. After their 8-minute half inning, they all charged to the restroom. That seemed to hold them until approximately 18 seconds after they ran onto the field for the top half of the second inning. It happened again in the third…
I have found no medical remedy for this condition. We did videotape the dance and are selling it under the title, Learn to Ballroom Dance in Eighteen Seconds. All proceeds will be donated to the T-Baller Bladder Control Foundation.
3. Lipstick Improves Fielding Capabilities by 98.75929%
Julie, the only girl on our team, was one of those rare kids whose attention span was not 6.55235 milliseconds. Hers was actually 2.99871 milliseconds. That was, unless, she had a tube of lipstick. Lipstick would hold her attention for approximately 16 minutes per inning.
T-ball players field the ball properly 0.09981% of the time. Except for Julie. While constantly applying lipstick, Julie achieved an amazing fielding percentage of 98.8591%. Seeing this as a potential strategy, I gave all of my players lipstick before one game. Unfortunately boys can’t watch airplanes and put on lipstick at the same time. After three eye injuries and a dislocated shoulder, we had to forfeit the game.
I did notice that simultaneously chewing 26 pieces of gum seemed to improve fielding skills in boys. But, only a little and only when they were not dancing, - for about 18 seconds.
“DON’T JUST STAND THERE…!”
Sorry.
I’m still not feeling very well.
I probably learned a lot of other things that I might discover with additional therapy but I hope you find these observations helpful.
I’m going to call my therapist.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
Accept Jesus as Your Lord and Savior Right Now - CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
