The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/22/13
Hello! You seem to have a gift for writing fiction! I really enjoyed reading this! Except for the "your" which needed to be "you" close to the end.....it was great!

Chris Goglin
Most enjoyable!
02/24/13
Nice job with this entry. I enjoyed it so much. Thanks.
God bless~
Oh you did a really nice job on this one. You had me leaning forward eager to capture every word. I'm a tad torn about the opening. part of me wants to say maybe you should have started with more of a grabber and had the teacher take Rob out into the hall in the beginning and then on the way to the hospital Robbie could have thought about the girl. Normally, I'd be quite certain that it would be better to start off with the bigger attention grabber, but your ending was so exquisite. It brought the reader full circle. I'm not sure the ending would have had as big of an impact had you started it differently. So I guess what I'm trying to say in all of this is great job!! I really loved the ending on this. I don't get surprised too often and you did a great job with it. I think you covered the topic and did a fantastic job. I hope my words will make you thin for future stories but i think you made the right choice on this beginning. :)
Did you mean to say in that one spot at the end, "Your grandpa gave me and your dad our keys...?" That way it makes sense. Anyway, except for the tad of confusion there this piece was really well done. It was very engaging. So normal for a teen to be thinking of the opposite sex in class... I thought that was perfect, like Shann said especially with the way you had the ending. I loved the moral at the end. I just felt bad for this kid loosing both parents so close together. I found myself wondering / hoping that his aunt Carol was going to adopt him. Great job!