The Official Writing Challenge
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This was interesting. You brought the story to life and made me think of it in a different way. Some of the lines felt a bit stiff to me--perhaps vary the sentence structure a bit. Something that really helps me is to ask someone to read my writing aloud to me. It's quite helpful to hear when people might stumble or if it doesn't sound natural. You did a great job of writing on topic in a fresh and interesting way. And the story had a clear point and message.