Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SNOOZE (07/20/17)
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TITLE: Cool Soft Sheets | Previous Challenge Entry
By Teryan Cooley
07/20/17 -
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Wouldn't it be nice to have the morning off to snooze?
With my eyes still closed I begin to think about my list of to do's. My puppy needs to go outside and do her business. Daisy is just a puppy and still learning about keeping her and my space clean! Then I think about the spot on the carpet I need to clean it today. I bury my head under the pillow.
The thought of more clean up finally gets me moving. First my foot exercise before I can get going and a stretch or two.
As I hobble to the kitchen to get the coffee brewing, my aches and pains continue to long for my bed. With the coffee started, I unlatch Daisy's crate and she bounds from her bed running through my legs and whirling around like she is on fire. I worry that I won't be able to catch up with her as she heads for the back door to the yard.
Finally my first thing on the list is in the yard taking care of her business.
The coffee smell lures me back into the kitchen. I like to use my favorite mug with the big handle to keep my fingers from cramping.
Before I can make it to the big chair in the living room I can hear Daisy knocking on the back screen door. When I open the door she bounds in with her on fire energy, jumping and nipping at my toes as if to say good morning.
We both settle into my big chair. She nestles next to my side warming up from her chilly backyard run and me sipping my coffee thinking of those soft sheets. Maybe a nap later, I think!
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Some punctuation is missing. I noticed something. You wrote: "I can hear Daisy knocking on the back screen door." I think a better word for knocking is scratching.
Great job. Keep it up.
I could follow you through the whole routine. Nice writing with your emotions showing through.
I might suggest you tighten up some of your sentences and use more showing than telling. If this is nonfiction, don't be afraid to add details that will make it creative nonfiction. For example, I might edit it like this:
My puppy's whining pierces my inner sanctum. Since Daisy is just a puppy, she's still learning about boundaries and keeping the floor clean. Visions of puppy stains flood my thoughts, and I add scrubbing the carpet to my mental to-do list. Groaning, I flip the sheets back and inch my way off the bed.
This is far from perfect. I ended up tweaking it several times before I found a satisfactory example to show you. Hopefully it shows how adding active verbs can create a mental picture for the reader. I also tried to merge things like telling her name and that she's a puppy and learning into one sentence to help tighten it up, allowing you more word space so you can add more descriptive passages.
I think you tackled the topic in a fun way. You have a great foundation here. I enjoy your subtle sense of humor too. As someone who suffers from chronic pain, I empathized with the MC. Some days it's hard to get myself to the bathroom, let alone the dogs. Keep writing, and also read and comment on other entries too. By figuring out what works or doesn't work for you as you read, you'll learn tons about your own writing and how to make it stronger. Good job. I look forward to reading more of your stories.