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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SNOOZE (07/20/17)
The Birthday Cake





Sally’s rocker squeaked a bit with each foreword-backward motion. The metered, rhythmic sound was interspersed with the calls and chirps of the birds in the big willow tree directly across the lawn from the veranda. It was a familiar, soothing sound to the 90-year-old lady’s soul and the shady porch gave her a lovely place to nap on a summer’s afternoon.



A sudden thought came to mind. “Oh, my! I just remembered, July 24th, Jimmy’s birthday! How could I have forgotten?”



Her arthritic knees, always less willing than her mind, would make getting out of the chair a struggle but she was mentally determined to get to the kitchen and bake her son’s favorite cake, buttermilk chocolate with chocolate frosting. For each of his birthdays, he requested the same kind of cake. She would serve him a generous slice, and afterward he would smack his lips and tell her she was the best cake-baker in all of Hillsborough.



Sally smiled to herself. “First I need to get my mixing bowl, then butter and eggs and cocoa powder.”



“Oh, dear what am I missing?”



Sally felt anxious and tried to resist the gray shadows that swirled around her mind making it sometimes impossible to remember even important things.



“Dear Lord, I need to bake Jimmy’s cake, he might come over today, please help me.”



“I’m always here, Daughter,” was the reassuring reply.



Shuffling footsteps sounded across the back porch and then another quiet voice she knew so well brought her out of her dream filled sleep.



“Wake up Sally…I think you were enjoying a little snooze but it’s time for dinner.”



Sally opened her eyes. “Is Jimmy here yet? I baked him his special cake.”



Velma, Sally’s companion and caregiver, shook her head as she gently smoothed back the white frizz from her dear one’s brow. She dreaded giving the rote answer to Sally’s oft-repeated question.



“No, I’m so sorry, Sally. Jimmy can’t come home anymore. Remember? He never came back from the war. “



*Footnote: Fiction
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Judy Sauer 
07/31/17
​It took me the longest time to finally get into the habit of not putting the title in the text box. It counts against the valuable word count. This is an easy fix for you.

I like how you are trying to describe a scene. You have some long sentences though. For example, in paragraph 1, second sentence, you wrote:

"The metered, rhythmic sound was interspersed with the calls and chirps of the birds in the big willow tree directly across the lawn from the veranda."

Another way to reword this might be:
There was a metered, rhythmic sound; it was interspersed with the serenades of birds nestled in the big willow tree. When the veranda beckoned her to relax, the tree was always a sight to behold.
---

This example is paragraph 1, third sentence. You wrote:

"It was a familiar, soothing sound to the 90-year-old lady’s soul and the shady porch gave her a lovely place to nap on a summer’s afternoon."

Another way to reword this might be:
The cadence of the bird's soothing sounds to Sally's 90-year old ears reached down to her soul. Memories from past decades melted in her heart. The blanket of shade from the tree made this the perfect place for a summer afternoon nap.
---

This is great wording: Her arthritic knees, always less willing than her mind

Your ending tugged at my heart; well done. Keep writing.
Larry Whittington
08/03/17
Even if we are not 90, our minds can do weird things or nothing at all.

I liked the picture you gave in this story. Then ending came short and sweet but maybe not what was expected.

Well done.