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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SNOOZE (07/20/17)
“I’m beginning to worry something is wrong,” I told Bill, as we walked along the grassy hill.

“Just beginning?” the platypus-man replied in his quacky voice. “I’m a conjuration of your mind, and I’ve been sick of you for what seems like ages now. How long have you been lucid dreaming, Fin?”

I looked around at the lush world I had imagined up. The green hills were teeming with fantastic animal life: unicorns, minotaurs, dragons, and rainbow rabbits. “It must be at least a few weeks. I know time is wonky in dreams, but I’ve never felt a dream last for more than a few minutes.”

Bill, whose name comes from the obvious facial feature of all platypuses, shook his head and made a tut tut sound. “Feels like months to me, but you’re probably right. Dreams are strange things. Any more thoughts on what’s causing this? Did you eat a worm as a midnight snack?”

“That’s weird, Bill. But to answer your question, I can’t remember anything about last night.” We were approaching a black ocean full of stars, whose waves crested like comet tales before crashing onto a beach of asteroids.

“What about some of the crazier options… crazier than worms. Are you dead, Fin? Is this heaven?”

I looked around again. As fantastic as this all was, it was all a dream. Each thing here was truly something that I would, and did, think up on my own. I gestured at the surroundings as I looked at Bill. “I don’t see God here. I would recognize him. God’s got to be in heaven. That’s basically its definition.”

“Fair enough,” Bill gave me a glare, which is unnerving from a six foot platypus-man. “How about hell?”

I thought on that, but dismissed that as well. “Even though God isn’t here, neither is He gone from me. I still have faith and hope, which don’t exist in hell.”

“Well, I hope you’re not dead, Fin. As much as you annoy me, I’d be nothing without you. It was nice of you to think me up, and all.”

We reached the asteroid beach, whose pebble sized space rocks crunched and tumbled under me after each step. I picked one up and skipped it over the surface of the black ocean. It burned up like a shooting star as it streaked across. Bill got on his hands and knees, and started rooting his bill through the pebbles.

I imagined a small boat, and it appeared in front of us. We both got in, and began to sail across the blackness with the sun above and the stars below. We sailed and talked and made fantastic things for weeks and weeks. I thought for sure I would never wake up.

And that’s when I heard a voice, mechanical and distant. Unexpectedly, the ocean hurled itself upward, and I fell to my back, lying on the bottom of the boat. Bill stood unfazed and looked down at me with a smile in his eyes, as he didn’t have lips to smile with. “Looks like you’re finally going to wake up, Fin! It’s been nice existing; thanks for that!”

I couldn’t say anything. The black ocean was lifting the boat higher and higher. All I could do was hold onto the sides as I watched the sun come nearer and nearer.

A light was above me, and I opened my eyes through the crust of sleep. That mechanical voice was still saying something over and over. I was in a pod of plastic and glass. The lid had slid down approximately to my waist. A holographic display hovered over me. I could hear footsteps around me.

I made out the words from the mechanical voice. “Good morning, Fin. You are now cleared to awake from stasis. The Earth year is 2172. We are 0.3 light years away from the Proxima Centauri system.”

I scanned my holographic display to find the one piece of information that had been nagging at me throughout my dream: “TIME OF STASIS: 12.3 Years.”

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This article has been read 595 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Judy Sauer 
08/01/17
​An interesting dream filled with vivid imagery. I had to keep reading to see what happened next.

Adding a blank line between paragraphs makes it easier to read. Use the Preview button before submitting a story. This lets you see how the story will look online. Then you can make corrections.

Nice job. Keep writing.
Raymond Bouchoc
08/01/17
This was like a cross between Chronicles of Narnia and Alice in Wonderland, with Star Trek thrown in at the end. I like the vivid imagery.
Larry Whittington
08/02/17
Years ago my kids could imagine things while they were playing. You are good at imagining things while you are writing. Nicely done. There is a place for people who do this easily. Look at the cartoon kids watch today. Someone had to have a vivid imagination.

If you enjoy it, keep at it.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/03/17
This is interesting. I enjoyed your vivid descriptions. You really painted a lovely picture for me. You packed a lot of mental pictures into only 750 words. I think a platypus-an might join my dreams tonight, and I look forward to meeting him!


You've done a nice job of using dialog to paint a picture and move the story along. You might want to add body language and thoughts too. For example, I might edit like this:
Sighing, my shoulders slumped as I turned to my companion.
“I’m beginning to worry something is wrong.”
We continued the hike about the grassy hill as I tried to massage the aches out of my back.
Bill's quacky voice gave me chills.
“Just beginning?”
<i>He's right. Maybe I am losing it! </i>

That's just a quick example to show you what I mean, but it is far from perfect. You also may want to add white space between paragraphs and double check some of your punctuation, but overall, I think you did a great job.

This is creative and a fun read. Dreams can be so weird, but also point us to interesting conclusions. I think you have a gift for science fiction and I'm eager to read more of your stories.
Yvonne Blake 
08/03/17
Congratulations on getting a Highly Recommended on your first entry! Putting an extra space between paragraphs, but that's a formatting error every newbie makes.
I suggest having the characters do some kind of action when they speak. It gives us a peek at their characteristics while telling us who is talking.
I also suggest making up your creatures instead of using the worn-out ones: unicorn, minataur, etc.
I like the silly image you created with the platypus man.
I also love the description of the beach and water. The ending tied everything together.
I'm looking forward to more of your stories!
Verna Cole Mitchell 
08/04/17
I enjoyed your very imaginative fantasy. The descriptions were excellent. Congratulation on judges' recognition