Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: ARTIFICIAL (08/11/16)
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TITLE: Please Sign Here | Previous Challenge Entry
By JC Hummel
08/18/16 -
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“Please come to church with me,” she said. We can run errands later.”
“No. Church is the last place I want to be. I’m done with God,” and left the house.
Six months earlier he had lost his job and since then had worked odd jobs while trying to find full-time employment. To make matters worse, they could no longer afford their rent and would have to move in with Jessica’s parents at the end of the month. He felt like a failure.
As he pushed the cart through the store, he noticed a long white plastic table tucked on one side of the aisle. When he passed by, he noticed a young man on his hands and knees picking up pamphlets that were strewn on the floor. Alan went over to help.
“Oh, thank you,” the man said as he stood up. “Here take one,” and he handed a pamphlet to Alan. “It has some information on our new program called Control your Destiny. So many people today are dissatisfied with their lives.”
“Is that so.” Alan said.
“You look like a man with a heavy burden.”
“Well, things haven't been easy lately,” and immediately he regretted responding to the man.
“You sir, are a perfect candidate for our program.”
“No thanks, I can’t afford it.” and he put the pamphlet back on the table. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to go”
“It won’t cost you a penny”
“Well, it sounds too good to be true.”
Before Alan could leave, the man picked up his laptop. “Here let me give you a little demonstration. We’ve developed software to show you what your life will be like when you join us.”
Alan looked at the screen and saw himself dressed in a very expensive suit and holding a black leather briefcase. He had lost about twenty pounds and it looked like he had more hair. He was walking out of a large colonial-style house, and getting into a BMW.
The man raised his eyebrows. “Your future awaits. Sign this form, and we guarantee you will get the job you love and the life you deserve.”
He felt uncomfortable. “You’ve got it wrong. This is not what I want,” and he turned to walk away.
The man followed him and lowered his voice. “Everyone will envy you. Women will love you. You will have more success than you have ever imagined.”
Alan stopped and looked directly at the man. “I love my wife, and I don’t want that kind of life.”
The man’s eye’s narrowed. “Are you kidding me?” Most men would jump at this chance.”
“Well I don’t care,” and he looked at the form in the man’s hand and read the bottom of the page Control your Destiny is an affiliate of Artificial Life Inc.,
“What is this, some kind of scam? What in the world is Artificial Life Inc.?
His voice was calm and direct. “It is an alliance of human and … other-worldly individuals. We’re the alternative, Alan. Come join us. You will be guaranteed an amazing life in this world. All you need to do is sign the form.”
Alan ran his fingers through his hair. “This is insane. If this is what I think it is, it’s damnation for anyone who signs your form.”
The man laughed out loud. “I’m disappointed, Alan. Damnation? What does it matter?…you don't believe anything anymore, and he shrugged his shoulders. “You’re done with God.”
Alan was sweating and his heart was racing. “I need to get out of here,” he said backing away and feeling nauseous.
He ran out of the store and got into his car, and drove directly to church. On the way he wiped tears from his eyes, feeling terror and relief at the same time.
His wife immediately saw him when he walked into the church. She smiled and took his hand, but then she realized he had been crying. “Alan, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”
He smiled, “Nothing’s wrong. I just realized how truly blessed I am.”
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You could use some minor tweaking for the narrative sections. For example, if I were to edit this, I might suggest something like this: "Please come to church with me.” She held out her hand, and her voice squeaked with desire. "We can run errands later.”
“No!" He pushed her hand away and scowled. "I've told you that I'm done with God, so there is no way I'll ever step into church again!" He pivoted, turning his back on her before stomping out of the house and slamming the door behind him. Tears threatened his eyes as visions of his failures floated unbidden through his mind. First, his boss humiliated him by firing him in front of everyone. His cheeks burned at the thought of the jobs he had to take to make ends meet: cleaning sewers, taking neighbors' trash to the dump, even walking dogs. He knew the whole neighborhood pointed at him picking up puppy poo. Then he discovered that Jessica went behind his back and asked her parents for help. Even his wife didn't believe in him, and now they were forced to move in with his in-laws.
I tweaked it a bit to show the anger one must have to turn away from God. Instead of using taglines like he said, I used narratives to show his anger through body language, dialog, and thought. I generally discourage exclamation points unless they are used in dialog, and I did use them here to help demonstrate his anger and frustration.
I think you did a nice job with the actual dialog. The conflicts were clear and relatable. I enjoyed your characters as well. Your pacing was just right. I wasn't quite sure where you were headed, but was eager to keep reading as the suspense built. Your ending may be tied up a bit too neatly for some, but it left me satisfied and happy that he made the right choice. You nailed the topic and delivered a powerful message as well.