Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: ROAD TRIP (vacation) (07/02/15)
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TITLE: Going Home | Previous Challenge Entry
By Loni Bowden-Horn
07/09/15 -
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As I glanced over my shoulder to shut the door to the cellar, I noticed the firmament had changed to a sickly greenish hue. The fast-moving clouds appeared to be converging towards the same place in the heavens. A rushing sound like a waterfall could be heard in the distance.
Suddenly without warning, a turbulent rotating funnel cloud emerged picking up cars like they were toy models and casting them aside down the road. It took up homes with ease and shattered them like kindling wood in the air. The sheer force of the winds that buffeted my hands almost ripped the handle from my grasp.
I shrugged off the voice I heard amid the screeching winds. It said, “Look to me when you face storms in your life. I am your shelter.”
I stumbled down the stairs to seek refuge from the cyclone. As I lit the kerosene lamp, a soft glow illuminated the cinder-block room. The shelves were stocked with enough provisions to weather out the storm.
I had been looking forward to a road trip to my childhood home for weeks. I needed a respite from the pressures in my life. I hadn’t seen my mama for five long years, so I planned a surprise visit.
When I was growing up, I lived a hop, skip and jump away from Little Rock, Arkansas. My town was so small that it was just a dot on the map.
I had forgotten how many endless hours of corn fields and cow pastures I would have to endure when I had plotted out my course on the map. My eyelids started to get heavy as the expansive farmlands stretched out before me. I rolled down the window to get some fresh air and awaken my senses.
As my thoughts reverted to my childhood, I remembered how much love mama put into everything she touched. I never heard her say an unkind word about anyone. I tried to follow her example by welcoming everyone who entered my own home.
I reckon, my mama read from the Bible every single day of her life. She used to say that her knees were plumb worn out from praying. I desired a faith in God that she tried to instill in me at a young age.
By the time I arrived at my mama’s home, I found out she was gone. I needed to ask mama’s forgiveness for running off like I did. I was tired of working my fingers to the bones on the farm with nothing to show for it. I took the meager inheritance I received from my father and went out to forge a name for myself.
I fell away from worshiping God when I moved to Michigan. My prayer time was almost nonexistent except when I faced some kind of difficulty in my life.
I slumped unto the wooden bench and buried my face in my hands. “Where are you God in all this mess”?
I heard a voice say, “I’m in the eye of the storm. I will be with you in the midst of the tempests in your life. I have calmed the winds, so it is safe to exit the underground room."
When I saw what remained of my childhood home, I was filled with despair. The place that held my precious memories and painful heartaches had just been diminished to a pile of rubble in mere seconds.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a tin metal box shimmering in the sunlight. My fingers trembled as I pried open the box. I pressed the diamond encrusted cross necklace close to my heart. As I read the inscription engraved on the back, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth.”
My mama always told me that the pendant was a reminder that nothing on this earth should come before the cross.
As a rainbow peeked out from underneath the gray skies, I realized even though I had traveled all these many miles I was not yet home. A promise of a future home awaited me.
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Sources
www.10 Signs of a tornado
www.biblehub.com/matthew/6-19
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Well done.
God bless~
I became slightly confused in the middle. I had just visualized the MC scurrying to safety below the ground, and then was transported to your hometown. Perhaps it was just my tired mind. After my third read, I think I figured out that the scene started at your mother's house not yours. If that is the case, a simple line in the beginning could explain this: Apprehension settled over me as an eerie silence filled the dark sky. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. I'd been looking forward to visiting Mama for weeks. Grimacing, I thought, This is not the reunion I'd anticipated when I made my arrangements. I'm also not positive that you nailed the topic. If you were to take out the lines were you mention
However, in my opinion, you did a wonderful job of all of the other things the judges look at. Like I mentioned, your beginning was quite good. I was eager to keep reading and could almost smell fear in the air. Likewise, your ending really popped a punch too. Many struggle with finding a suitable ending with the limited word count, but you made it look easy. Other than the things I mentioned, you did have some good transitions and the piece is crafted expertly. Your message is awesome. I loved that you showed God speaking to you in the midst of the storm. The allegory is simply brilliant.