Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: ROAD TRIP (vacation) (07/02/15)
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TITLE: Hanging with God's Other Creatures | Previous Challenge Entry
By John Esposito
07/09/15 -
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I came across an old wooden pallet in a patch of tall grass and then stood it up against the fence that separates me from some cows enjoying an early dinner. As I picked up the pallet there was a rattle snake taking a break from his daily routine.
He’s about 4 feet long and about 18 inches tall and in the attack position. His head is weaving back and forth and his tail sounds like a Spanish festival. Frozen in my tracks wondering if I could knock him over with the pallet I just pulled off of him or if he was going to knock me over with his fangs.
Having to make a double move to his one and the fact that my age and speed were not on my side anymore, I decided to take a slow step back.
That’s when the snake said, “Don’t be scared, I’m not going to bite you. No, I didn’t already bit you, and no you are not hallucinating.”
While I’m trying to absorb all of this the cow on the other side of the fence starts laughing.
“You can talk too?”
“Yup”
“You can understand what I’m saying?”
“Yup”
“Is that the only word that you know?”
Still chuckling the cow replied, “Nope”
“I blame Adam” said the snake. “If he had only listened to God in the beginning I might be at home right now sitting on the couch watching “Wheel of Fortune” with you instead of your dog.”
The cow now with a mouthful of grass looks over at me raising his eye brows and nods yes in agreement.
The snake rises up a little higher and says, “There is too much judgment in the world today and we have to start accepting each other for who we are and start loving one another more. I believe Luke 6:37 says, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
“You can quote scripture?”
“Yes, I love sharing the Word of God with others.”
The cow now with just a piece of straw hanging from his mouth says, “He’s quick with a verse. He always knows the right thing to say when ever you need it.”
I have to admit that I thought that I was going crazy. We have to learn to understand that God will use what ever means He has at that particular time to speak to us.
Still trying to take all this in a bee was flying around my head and landed on the fence post. As I went to swat it, both the snake and cow yell out, “NO!!!”
“What, it’s just a bee; I didn’t want to get stung.”
“Just a bee? Your words are like daggers, when you cut me do I not bleed?
“Great, I’m listening to a snake that can quote scripture and a bee quoting Shakespeare.”
“Listen, I go from flower to flower so that you can have and enjoy more flowers. I also make honey for you and all you want to do is smack me. Have you not been listening to these guys?”
“You’re right, I’m sorry…I’m very sorry. As of right now I will pay more attention to my surroundings and love everything and everyone that I come in contact with. Thank you both for these important messages. Speaking of messages, what is your input on all of this Mr. Cow?”
“Eat more chicken”
“That’s all you have to say is to eat more chicken?”
“Yup”
Mr. Bee was on his back holding his belly and laughing so hard he was crying. Mr. Snake just shook his head and rolled his eyes. We then prayed together and went our separate ways.
Luke 10:27 says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”
I learned a valuable lesson today and I pray that we can all live by the words from Luke. If we did I truly believe that all of our life journeys would be wonderful road trips.
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Well done!
God bless~
I noticed a few things that need to be tweaked. First you started with the past tense, but then slipped into future and back again a few times. Your opening line felt a bit forced to me. I think you were trying to establish the topic with that line, and it came out a bit long and felt awkward. They actually mentioned that road trip meant a vacation. I saw yours as a walk more than a vacation. Plus, once you get past the beginning, there is no more mention of a vacation. You are not alone this week in my opinion as I've read many stories that missed the topic in my humble opinion. On the forums, Deb always gives a definition of what the judges will be looking for. It's also a great place to ask questions about the topic.
I like to think outside of the box, (sometimes way too far), but I think you'd have had a hit if the animals were taking a road trip and just happened upon the MC. This next bit of red ink goes along with changing tenses. You also switched voices (I to we and back to I again.)You could easily fix this, and in my opinion, it would make your piece even stronger. For example you could tweak this line like this: ...that I was going crazy. I realized I need to understand that God will use great measures to make sure I hear him when he speaks to me.
Other than those few minor things, I think you did a great job. As soon as you introduced the rattlesnake, I was hooked. I loved the dialog and how it moved the story along, all while sprinkling a dash of humor here and there. Although you might have some tiny things like missing commas and not writing out numbers up to a hundred, overall you did a fine job of crafting this piece. It had a great pacing and an enjoyable atmosphere. Your message is wonderful, and I can't imagine anyone reading this who doesn't stop and examine whether she is open to hearing God speak. Making one think about the relationship with God is always a good thing. The ending was great too. I thought it brilliant that the animals prayed with you. Oh they are way smarter than we give them credit. I thoroughly enjoyed this read and felt it a delightful way to start my day.