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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: The Inner Person (09/09/10)
God healed me. It's nothing anyone else will notice, because it's all within. But to be free of my burden is something I never though I'd feel.

I've kept the pain hidden inside. No one knew of my inner torment. I'd plaster on a fake smile and give the customary answer whenever anyone asked how I was doing.

Even my husband didn't know. He suspected it, but when he tried to probe deeper, I'd bury the memories deeper yet.

I don't know what I was afraid of; probably that others would see through me, and discover my life wasn't perfect. I knew everyone has problems, but I was determined to rise above on my own power. I was going to be the strong one; one others came to for help. I wasn't about to show my weakness. If I did, I'd have to reveal the real me.

It started when I was a young child. Mom always played favorites; Dad too. My older sister and younger brother got all the praise and adoration. I was stuck in the middle. I don't know why I took the brunt of their anger. Perhaps I was just the easiest target.

When my sister brought home low grades on her report cards, my parents would comfort her and tell her to try harder. If I brought home anything less than an A, I was confined to my room to study.

I remember one time when my brother came home two hours past curfew, smelling of alcohol and cigarette smoke. He said he lost track of time. They chided him and told him they were worried about him. Then they said, "Everyone makes mistakes. Just don't let it happen again."

I came home thirty minutes past curfew, and explained I had car trouble. I was grounded for a month with no phone calls, no visits from friends, and could only come out of my room to eat. I cried myself to sleep every night.

The wounds were internal. They never touched me; never gave anyone a reason to suspect what was going on. They blamed my moodiness on "teenage angst." If only they knew the depth of my depression.

I was afraid to tell anyone; afraid of what would happen if I ruined my parents' spotless image. Their teenager couldn't have depression. Sure they could have a rebellious teenager. But to suggest something was actually wrong with me? Well, that didn't fit in their perfect world. So I suffered in silence.

There were times when I thought about just ending it all. No one would care. Every time something stopped me.

I moved out as soon as I could, but still carried the burden with me. Every time someone asked what was wrong, I'd deny it. I'd blame it on a bad day at work, or it was "my time of the month." Anything to avoid the truth. My inner being was in torment, but I wasn't about to show it.

I'd grown up in the church, and became a Christian at a young age. Looking back, I know God kept me alive. I had put on spiritual blinders. I begged God to get me out of the situation, and to change my parents. I begged, but I didn't believe He'd do anything. I wasn't good enough. I believed the lies my parents had told me. I was a bad child. I could never do anything right. Why would God help me?

Slowly God broke away my outer shell. He melted and formed my inner self. It hurt at times, but I began to see things in a new light.

The sermon this past Sunday was on the freedom we have in Christ. For the first time, it hit me. Freedom in Christ is the most important thing. I went home and closed the bedroom door. "Lord," I said, "I want to be free of this burden and these memories. But even if You don't free me, I know I have ultimate freedom in You. And that is worth more than anything else within me and anything else in this world."

The moment I released my so-called control and gave God the freedom to do His will, I felt a joy I hadn't felt for years.

"Whom the Son sets free is free indeed." The memories are still there, but they no longer have control.

My name is Anaya Faith Nelson, and I'm ready to share my story.



*******
"Whom the Son sets free...." is taken from "I am Free" by Jon Egan, copyright Vertical Worship Songs, 2004, made popular by the Newsboys.

John 8:36 (NASB) So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.
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This article has been read 1295 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Charla Diehl
09/16/10
If this is true, I'm cheering for you.
I found this interesting, and I wanted better for the MC. When the writer pulls the reader into the story that way--it's fine writing. Good work.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
09/18/10
This is so intense. I could definitely relate to parts of the inner turmoil. My heart hurt deeply for the little girl who felt unworthy as well as for all the children who are thinking similar thoughts right now.
Barbara Culler 
09/20/10
You have come far and the journey is yet still ahead of you. Hold on to Jesus with all your might.

I am hoping that the name listed at the end is a psuedoname, but I liked how you used it to wrap up your testimony.
Holly Hoell
09/20/10
I bet many can identify with some aspect of this piece. It was engaging and I love reading about people finding freedom. Very encouraging and relevant.
DK Landers
09/21/10
A well-written, emotional story. Sadly, many children grow up with feelings of unworthiness. I'm glad your main character turned to God to finally release her emotions. Next will come forgiveness.
Gregory Kane
09/21/10
I found it very easy to relate to the turmoil felt by your main character. I'm glad that by the end she had started to claw her way back to freedom. I'm afraid that I missed the significance of the pseudonym right at the end.
Loren T. Lowery
09/21/10
Very moving and completely believable. Told in a way that the reader can't help but be empathetic toward the MC. And, that the struggle to be set free is a long one carries well throughout the story. One little thing threw me as I was reading. It deals with these two sentences: "The wounds were internal. They never touched me; never gave anyone a reason to suspect what was going on." When I read it I thought of course the wounds touched her - but then I realized you were talking physical wounds - not emotional ones. This was written on such an emotional level, I guess I was just caught up in the moment. Wonderful writing!
Kate Oliver Webb
09/21/10
This is told with such openness and draws the reader in immediately. Great story, and great telling of it.
Angela M. Baker-Bridge
09/22/10
A story far too many can relate to...good job.
Christina Banks
09/22/10
There is so much freedom with the Son. I'm glad that your MC found that and is willing to tell her story.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
09/24/10
Congratulations for placing 23rd overall!