The Official Writing Challenge
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Shockingly gripping! A sad tale. Keep perfecting your writing - you are talented at presenting your story.
Interesting how you went from the dream to being awake.

Some of the verb tenses were off. Did you do this on purpose maybe to represent a child?

Some adults may be able to relate to the incidents in the story. It may be that they would also need to forgive someone in their past.

A story like this could be effective to their thinking.
09/14/13
Very descriptive and creative. Several of the verbs were missing the s at the end of the word.
09/15/13
Thank you so much guys.

Those verb/tense mistakes were honest ones. I'll be sure to improve the next time around.
You have the foundation of a good story. Polishing it with the above suggestions will make it even better. I would suggest that instead of brackets, that you use italics to express thoughts. Good job.
09/16/13
Thank you very much Virgil. I did use italics for the thoughts but when I post it and hit preview, it was n longer visible!
Prob someone can help me figure out how to get the italic to remain after coping over in the writing challenge post.
09/17/13
Your story could be polished up by correcting the things that the above comments suggest. It has the basis for a good story that many will identify with. You ended well with the message of forgiveness. Well done.
09/17/13
This is a powerful story. I think the English language problem is what caused the tenses to be off. You weave a well told gripping story and I enjoyed this very much. Keep writing. I find your story telling delightful.
You do a great job of showing the reader your raw emotion. You drew me in right away with an intense opener and an obvious conflict.

I would really encourage you to find a challenge buddy to help you with the proofreading to catch things like brake instead of break. Find someone's writing you admire and send them a PM asking if they would like to be buddies. There are groups on the message boards, but a lot of died down so you might have better luck with a PM.

The biggest thing is your tense isn't consistent so it makes it hard to follow. You do touch on the topic, but it might be a little weak. The story was more about insecurities than an actual expert. By no means did you miss the topic totally. Many people think just by mentioning the topic word that it is on topic, but the essense of the story needs to be on topic. I tell people to ask would your story still make sense if you took out the topic words or the allusions to the topic? Yours definitely would have some holes, so you've got a good start.

Many people talked about Jesus being the expert this week. You want to try to think outside the box or take a common notion and approach it in a fresh way. You definitely did that. I liked your use of the dream, it worked really well. I would maybe even give more details. Don't be afraid to use every word of those 750, but make sure every word moves the story along.

I think you covered a topic that can be a tad tricky on a Christian website and did it with dignity and respect. Be careful about using even small swear words as it does offend some people. Overall, I think you did a good job of tackling a difficult subject. It's not easy to forgive that much of a violation. Don't get discouraged. Keep reading as many challenges as possible and definitely keep writing!
09/23/13
During the break in the Weekly Challenge schedule, Id like to invite you to the FaithWriters forums, where Im holding a weekly free class in various writing strategies. Participation is strictly voluntary, but I give free and timely feedback on all contributions. Id love to have you drop by! http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=67