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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Week(s) (02/10/11)
“ You’ll feel better in a coupla weeks.” she said.

I know she thought she was right; she meant to console, but how can that be? Surely she doesn’t think Bob will come back home in two weeks. From someone in the comforter’s line it was such a glib statement and it seems to have a life of its own. I haven’t heard anything else since she said it. My mind is as blurry as my eyes. I don’t believe I’ve ever cried so much. The only thing worse than this funeral is what’s going to follow it.

Emptiness.

It felt like Bob was still with me as long as I could see him in the casket, but that dropping lid told me it was for the last time. I’m in here, in my body, and there’s nobody in here with me. Why do I feel so numb?

I’m on my own.

Bob’s last paycheck is in my purse. That money is all I have but I want to hold on to the check because it’s his last work. His boss has been so kind. He seems to be grieving along with me. I really appreciate the consolation he has given me.

He relieveth the fatherless and the widow. Psalm 149:9 KJV

All of a sudden I’m thinking of the news footages of wailing widows in foreign lands. I wish I could do that. Our western culture forces widows to endure in silence so that the throng sitting behind us won’t be unduly disturbed. I don’t care what the throng behind me thinks; I’m wailing inside; real loud!

My mind is wandering. I haven’t heard a word the minister has said.

I’ve been in the cemetery before, but at somebody else’s funeral. The fake grass under my feet and the flimsy folding chair under my behind is supposed to represent a place of honor, but this doesn’t feel like an honor. It feels like my own funeral. I’m looking at the box holding my husband hovering over a deep hole and I know he will be gone forever in a few short minutes. I know he’s in Heaven, but I’m still here.

Here stinks.

Leaving this cemetery is the hardest walking I’ve ever done. My heels are sinking into the soft earth as if they want to cling to it. After my son drives me to the church for the funeral dinner, he’ll take me home and then he’ll drive away. He’ll leave me alone. I’ll be in my house alone, not our house.

I’m scared.

Social Security says I’m too young to draw a check, so I’ll have to look for a job right away. The little bit of life insurance we have, or rather, I have, will only last a short while. It’s odd that what sounds like a sufficient amount becomes insufficient when the permanence of death comes home. I’ll have to use it wisely.

A Father of the fatherless and a judge of the widows is God in His holy habitation. Psalm 68:5 KJV

It’s been three weeks today and it’s not better. Instead, I want to die. This morning I woke up crying and all the numbness was gone. Reality came to live with me during the night and I don’t like it at all. I want to go to the cemetery and lay down on Bob’s grave like a faithful dog and let myself starve to death. I hope something happens today that gives me the will to live. When I look in the mirror, I look normal. Nobody can tell just by looking at me that I’m hurting so bad.

I’m not going to church this Sunday.

I thought I had friends there, but a few of the ladies act like I might be after their husbands. No good can come of being a fifth wheel in mixed company; and I haven’t seen or heard much from them anyway since Bob died. I guess they truly do believe you get over widowhood in two weeks. You have to be widowed to know how long it really lasts.

Thank God, they don’t understand.

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction and to keep himself unspotted from the world.. James 1:27 KJV
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This article has been read 753 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Terry Lee
02/18/11
Humans are often ill-equipped for consolation. I could make a thick stack of ironic greeting cards from the well meaning consolations I've received over the years.

Praise God, for He is always perfectly equipped.

I felt the pain of the MC. Toward the middle I wanted to shout, "Yell, go ahead and Yell and Wail!
Danielle King 
02/21/11
This scenario describes many peoples worst nightmare. You did a good job with the MC's feelings. I hope this is not your personal experience.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
02/22/11
You expressed the loneliness and fear one experiences so well. Grief is so different for everyone and often people don't know what to say or do.This well-written piece touched my heart.
Lollie Hofer 
02/22/11
You did a good job of capturing your mc's sorrow and pain and sadness. A dear friend lost her husband about three months ago and I know she's suffered much of what you've written here. Well done.
Noel Mitaxa 
02/23/11
Heart-wrenching and heart-warming at the same time. You have nailed so much of the deep bewilderment of grief in its first cold flush, as well as the well-meant glibness of people whom we might expect to show a little extra care. "A couple of weeks" can't begin to unpack the adjustments!
Lisa Fowler
02/24/11
Congratulations on your placing!
Patricia Protzman
02/24/11
Congratulations on your win.