Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Illustrate the meaning of "Don't Cut off Your Nose to Spite Your Face" (without using the actual phrase or litera (02/14/08)
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TITLE: Farmer Brown's Revenge | Previous Challenge Entry
By Judy Bowers
02/16/08 -
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“Sure, Joey, you pick out the book you want and we’ll sit on the porch swing and read this afternoon.”
“No, Grandma, I mean you TELL me a story. Let’s not read, let’s just talk about a story.”
“Okay, let me think for a minute . . . did I ever tell you about the best eggs I ever ate?”
“No, Grandma.”
“Well, Farmer Brown, who lived on the other side of that ridge over there, had lots and lots of chickens that laid the best eggs of any chickens in this county. Folks would come from far and wide just to buy his fresh eggs.”
“Did he just have chickens, Grandma?”
“Oh, no, not just chickens. He had lots of animals on his farm, Joey. He had goats, cows, and several beef cattle, too.”
“Did Farmer Brown have any pigs?”
“Well, yes, now that you mention it Joey, I believe he did have some pigs. But he loved those chickens the best because he especially enjoyed visiting with the people who came to buy eggs. So, when his chickens started to disappear, then Farmer Brown started to get angry. As more and more chickens vanished he got angrier and angrier until one day he thought, I know what I’ll do, I’ll build a trap and catch that critter that’s eating my good egg-laying chickens!”
“So, that hot summer evening, Farmer Brown put his newly made trap in the chicken coop. I’ll get my revenge this very night on that rascal that’s stealing my chickens, he thought.”
“Sure enough, the next morning there was a big red fox caught in Farmer Brown’s trap.”
“I’ve got you now,” he shouted at the fox, “and I’m going to singe your tail for taking my chickens.”
“Then Farmer Brown set the fox’s tail on fire and opened the cage door. That old fox escaped and started running around in a circle as he looked at his burning tail. Then it headed straight for the river – right through Farmer Brown’s field of hay that was dry and ready to harvest.”
“That fox jumped into the water and put out the fire that was burning up his big bushy tail.”
“Meanwhile, Farmer Brown stood there on his farm and watched his hay field burn up. Big tears rolled down his cheeks because he knew he could not harvest enough hay to feed all his animals during the coming winter.”
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It appears that you had more words--think about using them to add descriptions: the porch where they're sitting, the apples they're crunching, the crickets in the background, etc. It helps your readers to be more involved in the scene than an all-dialogue piece can.
Great application of the topic.
I liked that you opened with the little boy and grandma - I almost wish you had closed with him, too - just to give the story a special closure. Could be me, though.
I also noticed a few punctuation things that might improve your entry visually. Feel free to PM me if you're interested in some help.
Keep writing - this was a fun read!