Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: MOURNING / MORNING (02/02/23)
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TITLE: My Father's Funeral | Previous Challenge Entry
By Bonnie Clarkson
02/04/23 -
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Would I show mourning about my father's death to my neighbors and family? I dreaded the comments coming at the visitation.
The red and white bouquet at the funeral home reminded me of my mother's funeral. I did cry at that. As a child, she lifted me onto her lap when I was sick. We played password in the truck on the way to the grain elevator. She even tried to help me with algebra, but to her, an "x" was an "x", and a number was a number.
"Your father was a good man. He will be missed."
I felt nothing. I didn't miss my father. I grieved because he did not meet my definition of a good man.
My aunt hugged me in silence. "I'm praying for you," she whispered as she let go. It felt so good. How could she be a sister to a man who shot our pet dog?
The pastor grasped my hand in both of his. "Your father is in heaven. The proof is what a good Christian father he was."
My emotions sank, and more tears started. Does a good father not want to go to his child's graduation? Every weekday morning, my father slept in while I went to school. Every afternoon, he left for second shift before I returned home from school. Every weekend he slept or farmed. No, he never beat me or cussed me. He provided for me and had no relationship with me, just like his cows.
Was it my fault we didn't care about each other? When five-years-old, I wanted to sit on his lap during church. But he was asleep. So, I twisted his watchband. He never awakened. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have shaken him and begged to sit on his lap.
So, the pastor thinks he was a good Christian father. Would he still think of my father that way? If he knew the reason, as a child, I called God "It" was because of him? My father simply did not fit the church's description of God the Father. It's hard to forgive the person who ruined my chance to see fatherhood demonstrated, according to God. How was I going to forgive my father and mourn his death?
Then memories of how I treated my parents made me feel guilty. All the times I refused to drive home to visit nagged me. I didn't care how sick he was and left my sister stuck with taking care of him. Not even phone calls.
But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8 KJV).
Conviction of my own sins overcame me as I tried to say his sins were worse than mine. It didn't matter whose were worse. Jesus suffered insults, spit, and beatings before dying on the cross for both our sins. All I could do was sob and plead for forgiveness.
By His stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5 KJV)
I sighed relief. There will be a scar, but Jesus healed me. The morning of the funeral, I truly mourned for my father.
True story, but my father died first, then my mother. I don't remember exact quotations.
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I began to wonder what your grandfather was like. Maybe your did not know how to show you his emotions of the love he felt for you.
This true story touched me at all the grief you went through.
I am glad your father took you to church so you could see the love your Father in heaven has for you.
Thank you for sharing this painful story as it must have been difficult to write.
God Bless~