The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/10/23
You brought this well-known story to life!
I enjoyed this retelling. You brought Mary to life, and I felt like I really understood her. You're doing a nice job of showing without telling, but you can go even farther. When you use tag lines, stick to traditional ones like said, asked, whispered. It's hard to hiccup while speaking. It's great to show the body language to show who is speaking, but don't use it as a tag line. Instead try this:"This is the worst day." Mary hiccuped and rubbed her face. They are both complete sentences. Remember to use an apostrophe to show possession like Jesus' body. And lastly, don't overuse exclamation points. Save them for dialog but in a story this size you should only have one or two. Instead let your words do your exclaiming. You did a great job of showing both topic words. Without a doubt, mourning was the central theme and it's done nicely. You also have a clear Christian message. You do a nice job transitioning into the next idea. Your beginning and ending were both done nicely too.
02/16/23
Beautiful!
God BLess~