Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: ODD (02/20/20)
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TITLE: Daniel | Previous Challenge Entry
By Corinne Smelker
02/27/20 -
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Dr Baer peered at me over his glasses. He had been my doctor from the time I was young and he had seen me through the birth of both my girls, and now Daniel.
“He is only a month old, Rachel. And infant boys often take longer than girls to settle down.”
I left his office with a sense of disquietude. I just knew this was more than the ‘boys will be boys’ argument.
As Daniel grew, so did his outbursts, his temper, and his rages. He’d routinely break his sisters’ toys, just because he could. His dad, David and I, despaired. We stopped going out as a family because we couldn’t stand the stares and mutters from strangers, and even worse, from friends and family.
“All he needs is a good hiding,” my father commented after one particularly trying Sunday afternoon.
David, feeling me tense, laid a hand gently on my shoulder, “Tim. Don’t you think we’ve tried that? We’ve removed items he loves, we’ve spanked, we’ve tried the naughty step. He just doesn’t care.”
“Hmpfh,” Tim snuffled. “Well, if that were my kid…” I had to leave the room before I lost it with him. This was his grandson, for goodness sake!
We enrolled Daniel in kindergarten and were thankful that Ms Steyn, who had taught both his sisters, was his teacher. But within a month we received a request for a parent-teacher conference. When we arrived, the principal, Ms Steyn and the school counsellor were waiting. Acronyms flew around the room, ADD, ADHD, Autism, but one that seemed to hit home, ODD.
“It is known as Oppositional Defiant Disorder,” the counsellor, Dr Benton, explained. She handed David and I some literature. “Take it home and read it. Then we can meet again.”
Later that night, David and I lay in bed and talked. “Rach, I think this might be what we are dealing with.” Was there relief in Dave’s voice? I looked over at him, staring into his gorgeous brown eyes, the ones Daniel had inherited. Yes, there was definitely a lightness to his demeanor. But how could he be happy about this I asked.
“Don’t you see? We have a target. We know what to pray for, and against. Plus, we know this is not just ‘bad parenting’. Come on, we all know our friends and family think we are awful parents. How often have you lain on this bed and cried because of the way we’ve been shunned? At least now we can work with experts and find strategies that work.”
He was right.
I wish I could say Daniel overcame his ODD diagnosis overnight, but that would be lying. Things actually got worse before we started to see even a glimmer of improvement. Many times I asked God for the grace to get me through the next second, let alone the next minute, hour or day. Somehow He did.
People react and respond to various ODD therapies differently. After casting around, trying first this one or that one, we finally stumbled across the ‘act of reciprocation’ as the therapy that worked for Daniel. If we asked him to do something and he refused, we’d not argue or punish, but let it go. However, the next time he needed us to do something, give him a ride to a friend’s house or football practice, or help with a project, we’d tell him no. It broke my heart. Moms are meant to be sacrificial and giving, showing mercy and grace. Several times I caved, but each time I immediately saw how it negatively affected the therapy. I toughened up, with David’s help. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, we saw improvements. By the time he graduated high school he was able to self-manage his behaviours. Later, new college friends had no inkling he’d ever been dignosed with ODD.
Daniel is married now, and runs and operates his own trucking company too. I am the proud nana to six grandchildren, two of them his. Thank God, none of them seem to struggle with ODD.
The other day, at a family party, Daniel stood close to me, then hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek. “You and Dad are amazing. Thank you for never giving up on me.”
My heart is full.
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So happy to hear that he is happily married with children.
Blessings~