Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: WEEKEND AWAY (short vacation) (07/23/15)
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TITLE: My Blue-eyed Boy | Previous Challenge Entry
By Brenda Rice
07/30/15 -
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A scenic slideshow drifted by as mile after mile took us closer to the moment we were anticipating. With my neck pillow in place, a light cover over my arms and the sun shield down, I got comfortable as my husband drove us safely to our special destination.
At last we were there! That’s when everything went into slow motion. The car doors opened—my big feet became tangled in the straps of my tote—stumbling, but refusing to fall, I regained my balance and started running, but I felt as if I was tied to a tree.
From behind me, I heard the thundering gallop of my hubby, and in a very slow flash, he overtook me. I lunged forward grabbing just enough of his shirt-tale to propel me into the lead.
My eyes were locked on the reason we had driven four hours facing the blinding sun and the death defying traffic. Our prize stood a few feet away. I was determined to be first. So, I mustered all the strength in my 67 year old body, and made one final push to reach my goal.
There he stood less than three feet tall, hair white as cotton blown by the breeze, and eyes like two magnificent pools of blue. His name is Brayden. He’s 15 months old, loves cars and trucks, and being outside with his cousin Jase. Brayden climbs on the sofa with ease. He dances when he hears music. He protects his teddy bear from the vacuum when his mommy cleans his room.
Food is on his favorites list. Early morning walks, in his stroller that looks like a blue car, have entertained him since he was a newborn. He calls me, Bebe. Did I mention he’s perfect in every way? Well, he is. He has a dog named Bridgett. They are great playmates. They nap together, and if they aren’t watched closely, they’ll eat together.
I was almost close enough to grab him when I heard a noise like a pressure cooker over heating on the stove. Oh no! He can’t beat me! He ca…n’t! He beat me! My hubby who promised to love, honor, protect and etc. and etc. grabbed Brayden and ran a short distance before flopping down in a chair.
As I stood there heart pounding, sweat flowing and breathing labored with my hands on my hips my eyes burned holes into my husband. I tried to speak but nothing came out. You know what hubby did? He burst out laughing. To add insult to injury, Brayden laughed too. “You are corrupting my great grandson! How low can you go?”
At that moment, Brayden looked up at me with those crystal blue eyes. Then he reached up to me with his little arms and said in his wee—sweet voice, “Bebe.” I melted. No, not from the heat. My heart melted.
Before my husband could react, I grabbed Brayden and ran into the house. Finally, I was alone with the most amazing little boy on the planet. With his eyes focused on me, his little hand found my loop earring. Immediately, pain coursed through me. Intense pain caused my head to move in unison with Brayden’s jerky hand movements. He yanked my head to the left, then to the right.
I called for help, but no one else had come inside. Bebe was in a pickle. I took hold of his other hand and tried to distract him with my necklace. I worked momentarily, but before I could stop him, his little finger found my other loop earring. I felt like a hand puppet at the mercy of the puppeteer.
Brayden laughed hysterically. He thought it was a fun game he was playing with his Bebe. “Oh, Lord, help me!” I shouted.
Brayden froze with his fingers still stuck in my loops. His expression showed some understanding or was it compassion? Quickly, I removed his fingers from my earrings. Then he whispered, “Jesus. . .Bebe.”
I began to laugh and to cry. Someday, I’ll tell Brayden about his encounter with my earrings, and about the first time he prayed to Jesus.
Fictional story about real people.
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Be careful you clarify who is speaking. I like that you did it without using too many taglines like he said or she asked. You did a fantastic job of using body language and emotions to show your characters, but I stumbled over this line: To add insult to injury, Brayden laughed too. “You are corrupting my great grandson! How low can you go?”
Because the last action was Brayden laughing, I thought he was the speaker, and then stopped and reread it a few times. Just adding something like this would fix it: I turned to my husband and waved my finger at him. "You're corrupting..."
You really did a wonderful job of showing instead of telling. You made me giggle throughout because I could picture the scene in my mind. You also did a great job of tackling the topic. I truly enjoyed this delightful read.
God bless~
God bless~