Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: WEEKEND AWAY (short vacation) (07/23/15)
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TITLE: A Whale of a Tale | Previous Challenge Entry
By Amy Gaudette
07/30/15 -
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Jonah eased his aging overworked body gently into the jacuzzi.
“Aaaahhhh,” he sighed with great pleasure. His first weekend off since the world was thrust into chaos, and he was going to enjoy every minute of it. Here he was, Jonah son of Amittai, aboard one of the finest fishing cruise boats this side of the Sea. Just relaxing. . .mmmm.
Knock, knock.
“W-What?” Jonah was jerked rudely back into reality.
“Excuse me sir, but your Boss is on line one, again. He says it's urgent.”
Jonah thought for a moment.
“Please mention, nicely, that I am on a short hiatus and will return to work...on Monday. You could also remind him that he did approve of my time off just last week.”
“I did sir, twice. He wants to know if you got his urgent memo regarding Nineveh.”
“Yes, yes, Please tell him I did, and I will attend to it as soon as I return to work. . .on Monday.” Jonah's voice was resolute.
The attendee bowed and removed himself from the room.
How on earth did he track me down out here? I didn't even bring my cellphone. . .I know, the NSA, that must be it!
“Deep breathing, in and out, relax.” Suddenly, the ship lurched, and Jonah found he was breathing in a mouthful of water, not air.
Water began pouring over the side of the jacuzzi. Jonah panicked.
“Oh dear, there must be a terrible storm. . . we're going to sink!”
Jonah tripped his way out of the jacuzzi and into his boxer shorts.
Just then the attendee popped his head into the room motioning,
“Come, come.” He led him to a crowd of angry people.
His attendee pointed to him and yelled above the bedlam, “There he is! He's the runaway!”
“Is this your fault?” was the essence of their expressions as well as comments.
Jonah took a deep breath.
“O.K., yes, this is my fault, that is I. . . ignored my Boss's direction, and, well, I guess you are going to have to throw me overboard.”
A deep gasp went through the gathered crowd.
“Well, that's too bad. They'll be no reimbursement for the lost time on your voyage, nor funeral reimbursement for your family in a situation like this,” spoke the Captain.
“Fine, fine, to the edge!” shouted Jonah, sounding a lot braver then he felt.
The ship now perched precariously on its edge before rolling back to the other side in a most unpleasant manner.
The Captain gave the order.
“Boys, ready now, on the count of three. One. . .”
“Wait, wait, at least give me the dignity of a good throw. High as you can, boys, and wide. I didn't minor in diving for nothing; oh, and watch the boxers, they're my best pair,” Jonah instructed.
Then up into the air went Jonah. As he headed down he managed a crowd-pleasing triple somersault, and right before he hit the water, looked up in time to see his score cards of a perfect 10.
As soon as he hit water, he was out of air. Suddenly, an unusually large set of teeth opened before him, he was sucked into the belly of a ginormous sea monster, (or whale).
Everything went dark. As his eyes began to adjust to the lack of light, he realized he was laying in a pile of fermenting sea whatsits. Poor Jonah wanted to gag. Instead, he poured out his lament to God.
“Mr. Boss, Mr. Boss, can you hear me in here? Where's the privy? I can't even find the Dramamine. Please. Boss, I know I did wrong. Please save me, or I will rot in here! I am more sorry then you know, Lord.”
For three days and nights his mourning went on and on and on.
Whether it was the fish or the Lord, or both, who could take no more, Phump Jonah was tossed out of the whales mouth and onto the shore.
Jonah took deep breath of clean fresh air. He had never looked so bad, nor felt so good. His mind always at work, he assessed his situation and realized it wasn't so bad after all. The quicker he got to Nineveh, said his piece, the quicker he would catch the next. . . bus, and head back to his vacation. . . on land.
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There were a few lines that made me stumble a bit and needed to reread it. For example this line:
“Is this your fault?” was the essence of their expressions as well as comments.
could be fixed like this: Is this your fault? " People shouted at him as they waved their fists in the air. Looking around, Jonah quickly realized the crows was turning into an angry mob.
I'll admit, for the most part, you did an excellent job with your brilliant descriptions. You truly painted a picture and your MC was well developed. Using thoughts really added depth to his character and the dialog moved the story forward. I enjoyed your fresh take on the topic. This is one of my favorites this far. Great job.
God bless~
God bless~