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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Fragrance (10/24/05)
There she was again—every woman’s nightmare when mall shopping.

I eyed her from a safe distance.

Her black smock, red collagen lips and pearly whites were a dead give-a-way. So was her arsenal of perfume bottles that lurked on the counter ready to attack the next unsuspecting victim. After the last time Bambi accosted me, I got serious, signed up for Karate and armed myself with my own spray.

I hope she’s fond of pepper.

Not only did she gag me with an overdose of fragrance, she managed to chain me to her chair for a makeover without my consent. I screamed like a lunatic for Security, but the retired cop in the handbag department only mustered a chilling, evil laugh from afar while he munched on his Dunkin’ donuts.

That’s ok. He’ll get his.

Now, I’m one who likes to smell luscious, but a light spritz of perfume is enough for me. I can understand if I just returned from dumpster diving and smelled questionable, but come on now, when my gold pin started to melt, it was proof she had gone too far.

I was an innocent victim just trying to make my way to the shoe department for a sale. Who knew the short cut would render me a blind, choking Tammy Fay Baker? No one deserves that. I cried for the better part of two hours straight.

The experience was frightening.

I was convinced it would take a while in therapy to get over my ordeal. Since I’ve realized my experience also threatens fellow female shoppers, it’s necessary for me to put the fear behind immediately and take action for the sake of women around the globe.

If Bambi goes nozzle happy on my next trip to the mall, she and her bottle of Passion don’t stand a chance. I plan to immobilize her and that vicious bottle of poison for the long term. If my hot pepper spray doesn’t send her down for the count, I could use my high heels and fifty-pound handbag as a backup plan. A broken arch and a couple of black eyes should keep her away from her counter for a while.

See if she ever messes with me again.

A week should give me enough time to conjure a concrete plan to abolish all department store counter girls. This would take an effort like moving mountains, but I do believe with God all things are possible. I know my tenacious efforts will benefit my fellow female counterparts, and when the last counter girl sprays her last spritz, mall shopping will be sheer joy for the world.

My experience has led me to hope that people don’t fear me coming their way when I try to share my peace in Christ. Have I hit anyone with a fifty-pound bag over the head lately, or have I been sensitive enough to lightly disperse some Godly knowledge to individuals headed my way?

I’d hate to think the excitement for my faith has led anyone to conjure an eradication plan for me. After all, I don’t stand on a street corner with my bible while chanting verses in order to reel in a new believer. Granted, you might find me sharing a tract or two with friends or relatives that includes a flyer of Bambi’s face and a big “Wanted” stamp across the page, but I’m fairly certain I consistently use the utmost caution with a gentle approach when sharing the word of God.

Now, there have been times I’ve tried to get my point across, but the sweet-smelling fragrance of faith that I share is sure to waft through a nose or two like the sweet scent of honeysuckle.

I think Bambi can benefit from my approach. She came on too strong, and made me run to the nearest mannequin for safety and comfort.

I promised myself that from now on I’d take the long way to the shoe department. Or else next time, I’m taking my pit bull and a pair of brass knuckles to keep her at bay.

Despite my current case of mall-o-phobia for which Bambi’s responsible, I may have to find the strength to face my fear and pay a friendly visit to Mr. Security Guard.

I thought I’d get even with him by “accidentally” spilling an entire bottle of Old Spice on his uniform, but I have the sneaking suspicion he’d prefer to smell like a jelly donut.

I don’t know…it’s just a hunch.
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This article has been read 1739 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Helga Doermer
11/01/05
Had me laughing through the first part. When you get to the sweet fragrance, I find myself thinking of the sharp contrast between that and the vindictive imaginings. hmmmm....
Sally Hanan
11/01/05
I loved the first half of this.
Linda Watson Owen
11/02/05
Entertaining and cute...
Jan Ackerson
11/02/05
Very witty, written with a wry and unique voice.
terri tiffany
11/02/05
I liked your contrast.
Cassie Memmer
11/04/05
I enjoyed this. Funny but true. I have to admit I was hoping you'd 'get' Bambi! LOL! But I guess that's not the way to be, is it? Sorry Lord. Good story!
Shari Armstrong 
11/04/05
ROFL! I love it! I had flash backs to college when some friends drug me to the local "schmall" (the mall was in the next town over) for a makeover like that!
Kell-Ann Hoyte
11/04/05
I agree you do have such a unique voice and this was lots of fun to read (down with security guards:D). I also liked the message about coming on too strong. Keep writing.
-Kelly
Nina Phillips
11/05/05
Hilarious, cute thoughts..and reminds me alot of how I avoid the Counter attacks at the mall. Camoflage, my dear! I loved the humor! God bless ya, littlelight
Debbie OConnor
11/05/05
Fun, fun, fun! I really enjoyed this and appreciate the spiritual application. Too true!
Garnet Miller 
11/05/05
How funny. This is precious! I have been attacked by one or two people in the mall- mostly survey people:) Great humoroue entry!
Crista Darr
11/05/05
LOL, Jo! I love the comparison of the overzealous spritzer and the overbearing Christian. Reminds me of the types to knock someone over the head with their Bible:) Very funny read.
Val Clark
11/06/05
Bought a smile to my face. Love your humorous, poke fun at yourself style of writing that gets in the ‘back door’ and jolts the reader into thinking about deeper issues.
Deborah Porter 
11/07/05
Joanne, this was a treat of a read. You were next in line for a Level 3 award, and also ranked 11th overall (out of 145 entries). So, great work, as usual! Love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)