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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: WHISPER (12/08/22)
Marcy sat riveted to her seat. Her mother had been right, she hadn’t been paying attention to the messages lately. Brother Craddock’s face was bright red as he mopped sweat from his brow. He was talking about miracles and the storm on the sea when Jesus was asleep on the boat. He described the disciples sitting around the deck, discussing the miracles they had seen, one trying to outdo the other with each new tale told. He described the storm building around them as they spoke and how they ignored it and kept talking. “What did they have to worry about?” He asked the congregation. “Everything was alright, they had Jesus on board.”

Marcy felt her heart picking up speed. She reached for her mom’s hand. Joey sat between them on the floor, rolling toy cars up and down their legs. Marcy returned her gaze to Brother Craddock. She felt the hair on her arms and neck stand up and she pursed her lips together, measuring each breath carefully. She listened as he described how the boat began to pitch to and fro in the monstrous waves, and she knew he was talking to her.

“Read it for yourself. It says the boat was plumb full. Now, what do you think it was full of?”

“Water,” Marcy whispered.

“Why do we do that? We know a boat full of water will sink. And yet we do it every single time. Every time. We wait until the boat is full before we wake up the master. Hey God! Where you at? Don’t you care that we’re gonna die?”

Marcy felt hot tears on her cheeks. Her mom squeezed her hand. She had taken the presence of the Lord for granted and let Him go to sleep while her little boat filled with water. The image of the lighthouse on Ray’s little pamphlet came rushing back to her mind and she was suddenly aware that a lighthouse would do a sinking ship no good at all.

Brother Craddock continued. “Jesus gets up, speaks to the wind, and says simply ‘Peace, be still.’”

There were several shouts of “amen” scattered across the room.

“And we want to jump for joy and celebrate the miracle because the storm has finally ended, it’s over.”

More shouts from the congregation.

“But even though the sea is calm right now, that boat is still full. What do you think Jesus said to them disciples then?”

Marcy bit her lip, wiping tears from her cheek, and held her breath.

“Get a bucket, boys.”

She exhaled sharply.

Brother Craddock went on. “Jesus could have dried the water up, yes he had that power. But we fill our lives with things that will drag us under, things that will kill us. And there’s only so much God is willing to do for us. Some of the work we have to do ourselves.”

Marcy stood, letting go of her mom’s hand. She moved urgently, stepping into the aisle and walking to the front. Tears slid down her face as she knelt at the altar. God, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Help me, Lord. Don’t let me sink. She cried out as others joined her in prayer. Sister Rita began to sing The Anchor Holds, and Marcy prayed her way through the lyrics. Just before the song ended, she felt a whisper across her heart. Behold, the eyes of the Lord are upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy.*



This is a scene (inspired by the writing challenge) from a novel in progress titled Making Shipwreck".
*Psalm 33:18 KJV.
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This article has been read 273 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Philippa Geaney
12/18/22
I found great interest in your words. The character certainly held my interest and on reading that it will be a part of an expanded work it made the jump from the preached word to the alter call possible.
Great subject around calming the storm.
Sue Botte 
12/18/22
I can only agree with Philippa.

Well done!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
12/19/22
This is a powerful story. I really liked it. The conflict pulled me in immediately. You were able to build the suspense too. You do pull the topic in the end, but if this doesn't rank super high, the judges may have knocked off some points for the topic not being as noticeable. I also was confused about who Ray was and needed more reference to the lighthouse. I get in a novel, you might have done that, but since this is a short story, we can only go on what's here. A tiny note to be aware depending on what style guide you use when doing the novel are words like alright vs all right and another is okay vs OK. Both are acceptable, but depending on audience, it's something to consider which would be preferred. You did an outstanding job of painting a picture for the reader. Using body language and thoughts was an excellent way to show instead of tell, and I really appreciate it. You also have a clear message. My favorite part is including a prayer. I love when authors do that because not everyone knows how to pray, so here again you show them. This is one of my favorites.
Naoma Bird
12/19/22
I liked the surpise practical take-a-way at the end. We do have a part in resonding to what God has revealed to us through His word.
Bonnie Clarkson
12/20/22
Excellent story. I hear emotions and see actions before I write them, and you must too. Whispers come not only from God, but from people to God. I would like to have known more about the setting: why was the preacher hot? was she familiar with the story before she heard it anew? Good job.