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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: SHIFT (05/27/21)
Jim leans forward, hangs his palms over his knees. The next minute, sitting upright, he rests his legs firmly and comfortably on the floor. Once or twice, he crosses a leg with ankle on knee, alternately.

Natural at his best self, so unassuming, he steeples his fingers in between dislodge with hand-clasps. I catch him looking at me. Most of the time, his palms rest on his thighs, relaxes. Content at what he’s saying about me. They’re all nice. Lovely. And sweet.

Susie, our church counselor, mediates the husband-and-wife dialogue. We had written letters to say to each other before we came over. She sees to it that Jim and I verbalize why our marriage flip-flops at every forcible shift in the short ten years creeping in on us. Where’s all this fickleness coming from? I’m thinking.

I, on the other end of the couch, goes through the phases of the hour. Fluctuating emotions of hurt and weariness. Hope plays around in my head-- hide-and-seek—like, it’s eaten up in the summer heat of the day. Burns and poofs as smoke. How much longer do I have to wait for Jim hem and haw at saving our marriage, with me in his life?

I wonder what he’s thinking? Does he mean all those words? This time, I’d like to believe him. He sounds so real madly in love with me all over again. Just four months ago, Jim decorated my finger a three-stone diamond ring, “I deeply love you and I want to marry you all over again.”

I begin to blame Hope-- that shies away from either, Jim or me. Or from both of us into helping us arrive at being in one accord.

That first separation hangs in my life as a taffeta with shifting colors. Our emotions twist and weave together into beautiful silk. If we carefully mend the frays here and there.

I’m just making this up, philosophizing. None of this comes from Susie, our marriage counselor.

Phew! Sounds like a twiddly story of exciting never-ending twists with fights, peace and heroism.

Meanwhile, he’s so handsome. He attracts all my sense and sensibilities with much longing pleasure. I said, “I want to stay being your wife, your best friend. Your lover till-death-do-us-part.” But, it looks like Cupid has got to stop horsing around with his arrows of hit-and-miss. It hurts. The arrows pierce so bad.

How can love be so wrong and ambivalent? I can’t think of a simpler word. But it’s me. Deeper feelings begin to pore a gaping hole of despair. “I’ve become baby-less. Childless. You run away every time I fall pregnant.” I’m an unconscionable woman of faith.

“Do you understand, Jim?”

I really hate myself for keeping up with my defenses. I’m allowing Hope take cover behind shifting shadows in the walls. I’m wrong to be so cynical of the love Jim speaks of. I love this man I married ten years ago. But, this fickleness has got to stop. I want change. I want transformation. But I expect Jim to play the same effort of accountability for a reform to take place.

Am I helping make a strategy of transformation? Am I helping closeness with my husband palpable with forgiveness and trust?

Right now, right this minute, a cathartic cry is attempting to pour and get rid of shifting the blame on Jim. Instead, I’m the other half part of the blame, too. I see apology, though it involves a gargantuan about-face for me to carry some blame. I’m willing to move on, choosing Jim over the gift of children he has decided he doesn’t want at all.

I begin to settle down the ranting and raving. And rivet my attention inwardly. Soul-searching has to take place to make a connection with Jim, my husband. And with God whose love stays and remains unchanging.
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This article has been read 401 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Laurie Kiel 
06/04/21
Thank you for sharing your story. All too many could empathize. I like how you brought it back to God in the end.
Penny Neimiller 
06/12/21
I had to slow down and carefully listen to your words and thoughts to receive your message. (which is quite good) Whether I'm typical or not I don't know, but I a few of your words I needed a dictionary for...may be a hindrance for your story to connect to some readers. Forgive me if this sounds harsh, it isn't meant to be, just an observation. I'm not even writing right now, it has been a total struggle for me, so what do I know? You keep writing because your article proves there are so many reasons why you should...and yes, don't ever give up hope, especially in our Father and what He is able to do in all circumstances. Even struggling marriages. Great message.
Avigail David
06/12/21
Hi, @Penny Neimiller

Thank you so mush for visiting and taking much of your time by reading through and leaving words of encouragement. Being harsh is not what you are. Believe me. You've given them in the spirit of love, humility,truth and friendship. I take your words as a blessing and inspiration.
Personally, I've come to FaithWriters community/family for fellowship, friendship and connection. So, you're God-sent. :-) Hugs!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
06/16/21
I can totally relate to this. Marriage is so hard. I look at how much my husband has changed over the years. I wonder if I've changed as well; it's much harder for me to tell. I really enjoyed your take on the topic. You've done a great job with body language but perhaps have done too much, especially in the first paragraph. To me it sends conflicting messages, but I'm guessing that was Jim's point: eagerness, relaxed, anxious, and protective, but all quite rapidly. Perhaps add dialog and even the MC's thoughts in between to make it smoother. I'd also urge you to ask someone to read it aloud to you. If the person stumbles, it likely needs some smoothing out. I like how real your story is and you have a powerful message. I think you tackled the topic in a fresh and interesting way.