Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Garden (09/07/06)
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TITLE: Maggie's Garden of Prayer | Previous Challenge Entry
By Rita Garcia
09/13/06 -
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Rev. Jim stopped Maggie after the service. "Thank you for the flowers on the altar."
"They're from my garden." She began to turn, and then paused. "There's something I've wanted to ask you."
"What's that?" Rev. Jim tilted his head.
"I'd like to plant some flowers around the church." She hugged her Bible to her chest.
"Sounds wonderful," Rev. Jim turned to a tap on his shoulder.
Maggie headed to her car with a bounce in her step. I may not have a special talent, but I do my best thinking when I'm working with flowers.
Dawn had scarcely broken through the night sky when Maggie began unloading carefully selected cuttings and plants.
Clearing away the weeds and turning the soil, she tenderly placed each plant in the earth. Standing back admiring her work her eyes fell on the side yard. The trees were full and beautiful.
Excited, she began clearing away the tangled mess around the trees. It wasn't long before Rev. Jim was helping.
"What's next?" He wiped his brow.
"Roses in this area, and some lilies and ferns there," Maggie pointed, planning out a design in her head.
Returning the next day, working in the soil she continued to ponder her problem of not having a talent to use for God's glory.
"Morning Maggie," Tim removed his cap.
"Hi Tim," she smiled up at him.
"I noticed the work you're doing and I brought you a couple of benches, if you want them." He twisted the cap in his hands.
She jumped up to see. "These are perfect! I love the wrought iron and wooden slats."
After Tim helped her place the benches in just the right spots, she headed home.
Early the next morning she found Rev. Jim sitting on one of the benches with his Bible.
"Am I disturbing you?" Maggie set the flowers down.
"I thought you might need an assistant."
"First, I'm planting the purple alyssum around the benches." Grateful, she handed him a tool.
They worked side-by-side through out the morning.
"How about I get some sweet iced tea?" Smiling, his eyes sparkled with interest.
"Yes, please." Blushing, she smoothed the dirt.
"How is it you aren't married?" Handing her the tea.
"I was engaged once, fifteen years ago. Have you ever been married?" She nervously sipped her sweet tea.
"Suzie died in childbirth along with our son." His eyes revealed his pain. "What’s next?" He changed the subject.
"I need help with a fountain I have in storage. It will be perfect near the roses."
"Let's go get it. I'll get Tim to help."
Putting the finishing touches to the fountain, Rev. Jim placed the statue of an angel with her hands folded in prayer, on top.
Continuing her morning ritual of working in the garden, she often encountered Rev. Jim studying or praying. They spent long hours talking in what he now called, "The Garden of Prayer." One beautiful morning, with the kiss of dew still on the roses, he told Maggie he loved her and asked her to be his wife. A sweeping sadness came over her.
"More than anything I want to be your wife, but there's something you need to know about me. You always talk about God giving each of us a special talent, and how we should use it for Him. Well He ... didn't give me a talent. So you see I'm not qualified to be a minister's wife."
"Oh, my precious Maggie, you've created a place for people to sit and pray, a place of tranquility where they can feel closer to God and the beauty He placed on earth for us to enjoy."
Tears poured down her face as she realized the gift had been within her the whole time, with a prayer of thanks on her lips and a heart overflowing with love, she said yes.
***
She stood looking at the picture hanging over the mantle in their home. As a wedding gift, Jim had commissioned a painting of "The Garden of Prayer" in remembrance of the very place that brought them together ... the place where they exchanged their vows. Rubbing her hand over the swell of her stomach she felt her baby kick.
God not only blessed the work of my hands, He gave me the desires of my heart in the process.
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You have offered us a very powerful message about realising our God given gifts. One could say that an even greater gift than her gardening skill was Maggie’s humility, not realising that she did indeed have a wonderful talent. And then we note that the word ‘humility’ derives from ‘humus’, meaning ‘soil’, and we turn full circle to find in Maggie the ‘humble humus person’, two gifts in one.
It’s a true romance, a couple falling in love over a shared interest, and you portray the process delicately, with the blushing and the nervous sipping of tea and the sparkling of eyes – lucky are we who’ve known that sensation!
So tenderly yet vividly is the romance painted that I felt the tragedy of Jim’s widowhood to be an intrusion into the story, rather than a heightening of it. After all, you’ve got a wonderful message – the humble, unconscious gift – and a terrific vehicle by which it’s revealed – their romance and Jim’s subsequent proposal. This climaxes with Jim revealing Maggie’s gift to her and her saying Yes (what a great word to end the story on). The footnote, included to refer back to the tragedy and bring healing, a worthy aim in itself of course, is an ANTIclimax to the climax of the YES. In a short story, it is best to avoid subplots.
May I proffer a couple of practical writing tips?
I remember being told it is not advisable to have characters with similar names, like Jim and Tim, even if Jim is always Rev. Jim. I once knew a RevTrev ! Anyway that’s a trivial point - by the way, Maggie is a perfect name for a gardener!).
Far more serious is your total avoidance of speech tags. On no occasion do you indicate who said what by the use of a speech tag, such as ‘said’, ‘suggested’, ‘shouted’, ‘whispered’, etc. Instead, you place an action next to a piece of direct speech and trust that we will assume that the person doing the action spoke the words. This device IS used by writers but only occasionally, for effect. Repeated throughout a story it can be quite disorientating for the reader, reading what is in effect two lists of speech and actions side by side. At one point in your story I was actually confused, and here it is:
They worked side-by-side throughout the morning.
“How about if I get some sweet iced tea?”
Now either of them could have made that suggestion, even though they are ‘on his turf’. There may be a church hall nearby or a kitchen in the church. So either of them. Only, sexist that I am, I assumed it was Maggie’s suggestion! It continues:
“How about if I get some sweet iced tea?” Smiling, his eyes sparkled with interest.
Fine, I thought, that would be MY reaction to being offered iced tea (only not sweet!). So I still assumed it was her offer. I had to do a double-take when it continued:
“Yes, please.” Blushing, she smoothed the dirt.
Hold on, I thought, HE must have offered the tea. Unless SHE offered, HE sparkled and said Yes please and then SHE blushed. The possible confusion goes on. Confusion even once is too many times.
When I first started writing, I used to be ‘said-shy’. I hated having to indicate who said what by these silly, repetitive tags. And then I took the opening chapter of a popular novel and analysed it, noting down how this famous author indicated who said what. It was a revelation. She used about 40 DIFFERENT tags, 40 different words or phrases indicating that a person had said something or was going to. Some of them many times over of course.
If I can just make one more point, another reason besides clarity why the tags are important. Flow. The tags link speech and action in a flowing motion. Otherwise the lines read like a psalm verse, which has that colon in the middle : where some people leave a long pause (I could never get the hang of how long!). Thus:
"I'd like to plant some flowers around the church." She hugged her Bible to her chest.
(Feel the hiatus there, the colon-pause, between the speech and action of Maggie?)
INSTEAD:
"I'd like to plant some flowers around the church," she said, hugging her Bible to her chest.
This flows from speech to action in a seamless movement. So the tags make sense.
Finally, finally, (and do remember I think it’s a beautiful story beautifully told – I’m only dealing with the mechanics of your vehicle here, not the journey your vehicle took us on!)
If you DO use the speech / action side by side technique (occasionally), one thing you have to make sure of is the punctuation which separates them. You wrote:
"Morning Maggie," Tim removed his cap.
"Hi Tim," she smiled up at him.
One is not allowed to join direct speech and action with a comma, as in the above examples. Instead:
"Morning Maggie!" Tim removed his cap.
"Hi Tim." She smiled up at him.
It’s only when one uses a speech tag that one can use a comma, thus:
"Morning Maggie," said Tim. He removed his cap.
"Hi Tim," she replied, smiling up at him.
Cheers, and thanks again for a touching romance, with characters that are three dimensional, real people, which is always a challenge in so few words.
1. The names Jim and Tim are confusing to use together in such a short piece. At first, I thought Tim's name was a typo. (I read an entry yesterday where the author forgot to switch out all of the original names when she changed a character's name, so that may have added to my confusion.)
2. During this section:
"How about I get some sweet iced tea?" Smiling, his eyes sparkled with interest.
"Yes, please." Blushing, she smoothed the dirt.
"How is it you aren't married?" Handing her the tea.
notice how each of the tags start with an 'ing'. Mix it up a little to add some interest. It could be a little change, such as: "His eyes sparkled with interest as he smiled." etc.
Other than that, this was a good read and I enjoyed how her little talent got the minister and Tim involved, as well as landing her a hubby and a baby! :)