Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Garden (09/07/06)
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TITLE: A Harvest in the Garden | Previous Challenge Entry
By Janell Price
09/13/06 -
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Can't I talk you out of this? You've never gone against me before. And what about our Friend who created this garden and all that is in it? He put us in charge of everything and told us we could eat from all the trees except this one. If you are hungry for something new, why don't we pick fruit from that other tree, the one called Life?
I fear things will never be the same if you eat this forbidden fruit. Disobeying will change you. We will be separated in some way, living together, yet apart. I cannot bear that.
If you are determined to eat, Dear One, then I must eat, too, so that whatever happens, we experience it together.
. . . Oh, Evie, what have we done?
165 words
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I am intrigued that you refer to God as 'our Friend'. I've never seen that before and I wonder if it's an accurate word to describe the relationship at that point between God and his human creatures? But the very fact that you've made me ponder that question makes me glad!
I am also intrigued that Adam doesn't mention the Serpent's role in this. Nor the nature of the fruit that Evie proffers, other than the Serpent's promise of wisdom.
But these are the artistic choices you've made. It's good sometimes to cut a passage down and concentrate on one aspect - which here is the effect on their relationship.
I love his line 'You've never gone against me before!' or words to that effect, when Evie has just disobeyed Almighty God himself, a slightly more serious crime perhaps!
I wonder if you were seeking humour in your article? It wouldn't take much tweaking to develop it into a comic monologue, but maybe that wouldn't be to your taste.
Anyway, thanks for the cameo.
(Crit done from memory so forgive errors)