The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/10/21
This story has HUGE potential but lacks punch for much telling and passive verbs. I would suggest you rewrite the story to be completely dialog between Greg and yourself. Either make Greg 1st person or both 3rd person. Show the argument. Show his frustration. Show your own heart, but don't come off preachy. Rewrite for a much stronger ending, not "everything is rosy," but one that packs a punch.

There must be a reason why Greg turned his back on God. Find out why and develop the idea. Cause the reader to long to see Greg healed, not just shake their heads at his stubbornness.
Hope that gives some food for thought! God bless and keep writing!
06/15/21
Your entry reminds me of the first chapter of Romans, where Paul explains how people suppress the truth in unrighteousness.

Arlene gave you some very good suggestions.

It might be fun to get into character as if you were in the conversation rather than 3rd person.

And I think you meant to say beck and call.
06/16/21
Poor and needy soul trapped in Greg's defiance towards His Creator. Nevertheless, Greg's parents' prayers for their son's salvation will surely come to his realization.
Thank you for this touching story.
Blessings to you!
You did a great job of writing on a difficult topic. I could relate to it and think pretty much everyone can. Be careful of POV shifts. FW offers Gold and Platinum members the ebook Bring Your Writing to Life for free, but you have to ask for it. This book really helped me understand POV shifts and how to show rather than tell. You did a nice job of delivering a clear message. It was an interesting read from beginning to end.