The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/23/20
We never know what will come from the sharing of faith. Thanks for sharing your story.
11/24/20
This reads like an actual event!
11/26/20
A tpuching story.
It would be a lot more dramatic if you introduced dialogue. For example, when you were alone, you could say:"You look upset. Is there anything you want to tell me?"
She looked down at her nails and said, "My boyfriend has kicked me out."
Something like that. It makes it more immediate.
This is a delightful testimony. It will inspire many to spread the news to others. This is a great first entry. I look back at my early entries and am amazed how much I've grown as a writer. Since you asked for feedback on the message boards, I'd like to share some ways to make it better. Try tightening it up some and add body language, dialog, and even thoughts of the MC. For example, if I were editing it, I might suggest this little bit be tweaked like this (I often find a quick example is easier to understand. Of course, your words might be quite different.):
One day at work, a lady and I sat alone in the lunchroom. Her voice quavered as she spoke. "My boyfriend just dumped me."
I prayed silently for wisdom. "Dear Jesus, help me find the right words." I placed my hand over hers and said, "Jesus will help you."
She rolled her eyes and sighed. "I don't believe in God. When you die, that's it. Bam! You're gone!"

Don't get me wrong. I think you did an outstanding job. I see so much potential in this. You've an excellent foundation and I can feel your passion in your words. I'm so excited to see more of your work. Keep writing. You're doing great!