Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Husband and Wife (08/08/14)
-
TITLE: Loving Memories | Previous Challenge Entry
By Terry Atchison
08/10/14 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
As he had entered The First Baptist Church that Sunday, so many years before, she was standing in the doorway, greeting the worshipers. When she asked him his name, his brain ‘fried’. He remembers looking into those big green eyes, a blank stare on his own face, and answering. “Huh? Yes, that’s it.” Mouth open, eyes wide, lips moving with little coming out, he finally breathed, and “Michael, no, uh Mike”, whispered out of his mouth. That was also the moment, she had told him later, that her heart melted for this seventeen-year-old boy.
“You remember all those dates we went on with your sister, Molly, hanging along? Your mom thought that she needed to keep us in line. It wasn’t until I was in the Army that we ever had any real date, just the two of us. Molly, Molly. Now you two see each other quite a bit, I imagine.” Mike looks skyward with these last words, maybe hoping to see a sign that they are looking down on him.
“Nancy, you looked so beautiful in that wedding gown.” Mike sighed as he wiped his eyes with his fingers. “No other image of my memory compares to that moment when I saw you standing there, waiting for me to claim you as my wife. I still love you as much today, babe.” He chuckles a little. “Your mom sure was a worrier, but was so happy to learn that we were both virgins when we got hitched. Most of the young ones today will never know that special lifetime bond, and deep complicity that results from waiting. Oh how I love and miss you!” More tears, another sigh, a slight pain passes through his chest.
“And Pablo, poor little guy. These past three years have been hard on him. That little dog still sits by your chair at supper time, waiting for you to get up and feed him. At bed time, he sits and whines, every night, on your side of the bed, wanting you to pick him up. Our house can seem so empty these days with just Pablo for company. You really loved that place from day one. Do you remember when we visited it for the first time? We went through each room, deciding on what furniture to put where. You liked the view of the valley and the river from the back porch. We both did. I still drink my tea there each evening, thinking of you.” He pauses, visualizing her sitting with him.
“I remember how angry you were at God when you learned that we would never have children. Isn’t it amazing how He blessed us with others’ children who needed our attention and love? You never stopped thanking Him and you were the best foster mom ever. Our twenty-three ‘kids’ will attest to that. They were all there for me when you passed.”
“Oh my little darlin’, I miss you and love you so much!” Mike sobs and sits on the ground next to the headstone. “I will be so happy to see you again. May it be soon, Lord.” He dries his eyes with a handkerchief, then blows his nose, making a loud noise. “Hope I didn’t wake up any of your neighbors.” He smiles and stares at her name engraved in stone. His shaking fingertips trace each letter. N-a-n-c-y. “I love you, Nancy. I love you!”
The old man leans against the headstone as a very sharp pain stabs through his chest. His eyes close.
“Mike? Mike!”
He opens his eyes and sees his sister-in-law, Sue, standing before him, holding flowers in her hands for Nancy and Molly’s graves.
Mike opens his mouth and belches as loud and as long as a lion’s roar! “No wonder I was hurtin’. Wow! Excuse me, Sue.” Mike stands and brushes off his pants. “I ate Mexican last night. See you tomorrow, Nancy.”
¬¬
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
Your ending was a surprise drift. Maybe some exchange between the two at the grave would have filled out the mood better by highlighting each one's grief.
On a minor point, it's also important to keep your tense consistent, because you started in past tense and switched to the present - which is always harder to maintain.
You did a fantastic job with this leading up to the "twist" in the ending.
I'm a "romantic" at heart, and love "sweet stories" --I would have even enjoyed it had he expired on her grave as I thought would happen. But this was a brilliant twist at the end.
Anyway you look at this piece, it is on topic...written with love and elicited emotions along with a great ending.
Fantastic job.
Excellent...keep shining His light. I really loved this love story...hand me the tissues please.
God bless~
The only hicough was a tiny one. I noticed when he was remembering, you slipped into present, but it should have been the past.
You nailed the topic and I love the ending. I was positive you were going to zag, but you zigged instead, not only delighting me, but making me chuckle for a second, then outright laugh. What more could I ask for before going to bed?
This will leave many crying and then laughing.
Delightful read with a little bit of everything you want in a story.
Super duper (did I spell that correctly?)
Can't wait for your next challenge!!!!!!