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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Irritated (11/08/12)
Clyde was driving down the road. He stopped at a stoplight and his engine stalled. He tried to restart his car but it wouldn't go. He called a tow truck and his nephew and left a message. "Hey Nick, this is Clyde my car broke down can you come and pick me up."

Thirty minutes later the truck showed up and the driver got his car ready to tow.

The driver took off his gloves and put them in a bin on the side of his truck. "Hey sir, due to insurance regulations I can’t let you ride with me. Can I call you a cab?"

Clyde was scrolling through his messages on his cell phone. "Thanks anyway, my nephew just moved into town for school. I just left him a message. I only live five minutes from here."

The driver looked upward then shook his head. "Are you sure, it’s about to pour."

Clyde winked, "He’s a good kid, he’ll call me back shortly."

"Okay." The driver hopped into his truck and left.

Clyde pushed the redial button on his phone. Nick’s phone went straight to voice mail "Hey Nick, it's about to pour out hear can you pick me up?"

Clyde started to walk home. The sky became dark and the wind started to blow.

Five minutes later he called again. "Hey Nick, this is Clyde. My car broke down on State Street. I am walking home on McKinley Avenue. Is there any way you could pick me up?"

The rain came down in sheets and it started to hail. He pushed the redial button. The phone rang seven times then went to voice mail. "Nick, I’m dying out here. Can you help me?"

About an hour and fifteen minutes later he arrived at his house. He took off his clothes and had dinner.

The following evening He called Nick again finally he answered. "Nick, this is Uncle Clyde.

Where were you last night?"

"I was at home watching the game."

Clyde's face started to turn red. "I called you several times why didn’t you answer?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "I didn't feel like it."
Clyde rolled his eyes. "I also left you several messages. Didn't you see my messages on your cell phone?"

"I did see them. I had other things to do."

Clyde took the phone away from his ear for a second and shook his head. "It really bugs me that you rarely answer the phone. You never answer my e-mails. You're a good kid, I love you. You're nineteen years old. By not getting back to me you’re being really rude."

Nick let out a deep breath. "I am sorry."

Clyde had the phone saddled on his ear. He crumpled up a sheet of paper and threw it. "I had an emergency. My car broke down. I had to walk home in a mega storm. I looked like a drowned rat by the time I got home."

"I said I was sorry."

"Nick, you've always been like this, that drives me nuts. What if Jesus didn't feel like dying on the cross? What if Jesus had other things to do? We'd be going to hell. You need to be considerate of others. When someone calls with an emergency and leaves a million messages. You need to answer or call them back."

"Uncle Clyde, you're right. I didn't mean to bug you. I should have answered my phone. I need to be more considerate of others."
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
11/17/12
This is an interesting story. You had some nice descriptions that had me grinning.

In my opinion, the dialog felt stilted. Try using contractions like I'm for I am. You also had quite a few little errors like missing question marks and quotation marks. If you look on the message boards you might find a critique group or a challenge buddy. If you need help PM me.

You definitely covered the topic. My family will complain too if I don't answer my phone right away, though I am pretty good about getting back to them as soon as possible. I'm sure there are others who can relate to the MC. Good job.