The Official Writing Challenge
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I loved what you wrote, very historical. Apart from one typo (adhered instead of adhere), I couldn't see anything that could improve what you have written:)
08/02/21
Perhaps more showing rather than telling would make your entry more compelling. Perhaps from a servant or loyal soldiers point of view.
The opening line drew me in. I was instantly curious about the conflict of his death. Be careful about switching tenses: King Alexander took to his bed chamber, knowing that he was dying. (You switched to present tense--he is dying). The next paragraph bogged me down a bit. It was hard to follow and I'm not sure the reader really needs to know these details to follow the storyline. I'd love to actually hear the dialog that shows he has a big head, gets what he wants, and what the slaves whisper behind his back. You have a lot of information here. It might be even stronger if you focused on just the one part and showed how he did those things with body language, dialog, thoughts, and active sentences. I think you did a great job of writing on topic. I can tell you're quite knowledgeable about biblical history and I think it would be great to do short lessons on this. It would be great for a Bible study or small group discussion.