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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: RECORD (04/22/21)
“It would have been better if you had killed someone.” The words revolved through Randall’s mind with the rhythm of the bus, as he stared at the wearisome scenery gliding past. This wasn’t the same bus that had brought him from prison to his hometown three years ago. This one was heading away from home, away from the people who knew what he had done, and who could not see past his crime.

“Lord, I’m not quitting, I’m failing. I can’t make a difference in your kingdom with what I’ve done clinging to me like duct tape.”

The still small voice whispered, “Yes you can.”

“Lord, you don’t understand, I made a mistake so huge people can’t forgive me. Pastor Mike says, ‘Your past does not define you. You are not your past mistakes,’ but he doesn’t understand either. He doesn’t understand the sex offender exclusion. Jesus, I know you forgave me, but people will always define me by my past. Murder would have been easier to forgive. ”

“Randall, keep your eyes on me. I will give you the strength to do what I call you to do.”

“Lord, I’m so sorry. I should have never been looking at pornography. But Jesus, you know I did. You know I looked at women, then younger women, and then some that weren't quite women, and then I saw things that should have never been. I saw them and I was so ashamed, but I didn’t know how to stop. Oh Jesus, if only I had known you sooner. Then you could use me. Then I would have a story of love and obedience.”

“Randall, I can still use you.”

“Lord, they only see me as a pedophile. They can’t see what you’ve done in me. They can’t see me like you do.”

As the bus continued to jostle down the highway, Randall’s mind returned to his prison cell, the hate letters in his hand, read and reread until he knew what he had to do. That day he had put away the letters, straightened his personal items, and climbed to the top bunk. He’d heard of guys doing this. Just kneeling at the edge of the bunk, with hands clasped behind their back, and falling headfirst to oblivion. Shaking, he had knelt at the edge and taken a deep calming breath. With eyes fixed on the opposite wall, Randall had sobbed, “I’m so sorry,” and reached back and clasped his hands. At that moment, sunlight had streamed through the slit-like window in his cell, and the presence of God flooded Randall’s heart. “No, Randall, I’m not through with you yet. I have plans for you.” That was the day Randall gave his heart to God and he’d been following him every day since. Yes, God had forgiven him and saved his life, and Randall would continue to live for him no matter what the obstacles.

The bus slowed then stopped at a station for a meal break. Randall got off and looked for the men’s room. The station was next door to a hamburger chain where Randall ordered his meal. He took a seat and stuffed a few hot, salty fries in his mouth then looked around the lobby as weary travelers came in, ordered, and looked for places to sit.

One young man caught Randall’s eye. His thin frame, baggy clothes and tattoos said one thing, but his eyes said something different. He was looking around at the crowded lobby with his tray.

“Call him over.”

Randall waved and offered the young man a spot at his table. “There’s room here.” They ate in silence a few moments, then the young man spoke up.

“Hey, I’m Tommy. I’m not sure why I’m telling you this, but I just got out of prison. I used to be in a gang, but while I was inside, Jesus got my attention, like into my head and my heart, and I’m his now, you know? And well I think he has things he wants to do in my life, like ministering to others. But man, I gotta tell you, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Do you think God can still use me?”

“Yes,” I said, “I know He can.”

When we reboarded the bus, we sat next to each other and talked for the rest of the ride. At the station in Los Angeles, Tommy and I prayed together and said goodbye. Then I bought a ticket home.
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This article has been read 372 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Penny Neimiller 
04/30/21
I'm not sure because I need to study more myself, but the only thing I noticed was a change in who was telling the story...It seemed like it switched to Randall at the end. I loved this story, I was ready to tell the author they need to move to the next level after reading it. Porn has ruined more good men and lives... if only we could open up more and ask for help to stay accountable, but it is so hard to admit this sin and so many do not. We all need help from our Brothers and Sisters in Christ...and forgiveness. Jesus already gives it. Thank you!
JANET JONES
04/30/21
Thanks for your feedback Penny! I was trying to show a dialogue between Randall and God So some of the word were Randall’s and some were God’s. Yes, I’m all for healing, accountability, and forgiveness. God is do good.
Sue Botte 
04/30/21
I am not sure if this this fiction, if not: well, you are brave and I thank your for it.

For and easy read it is best to do conversation with paragraphs in between, good content.

Keep writing.
Jenny Miller
04/30/21
This took a few times to come back to for me to know even what to say. It's such a touchy subject, and yet such a powerful truth that Jesus can save "the worst" of sinners. How easy it is for us to judge levels of sin, when the Word says if you have broken even one you have broken them all. I hope if this is a true story that both men have strong accountability set up to keep them in the right direction as they lead others in God's calling. Great article, either way. Thanks for writing it.
Stephen Kimball
04/30/21
I think you did a nice job with this tight word count. Right on target with the story line. Good inner conflict in the first half of the story.
If it were me, I would eliminate:
“That was the day Randall gave his heart to God and he’d been following him every day since. Yes, God had forgiven him and saved his life, and Randall would continue to live for him no matter what the obstacles.”
In my opinion, in a piece like this, the reader should be able to read the story and surmise the point without you having to state it directly.


Laura Manley
05/01/21
A difficult subject, at best, but you were able to present it where this reader was not offended. My only suggestion is to check punctuation in this entry. Also, perhaps it is just a personal preference, but when I refer to God as "him," I capitalize the word. I feel it gives Him more of the honor he deserves. But again, merely my preference.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/04/21
Whoa! What an intense first line; you've piqued my curiosity immediately. By making it more realistic, you could turn it into a much stronger line: "It woulda been sick if you'd offed someone."
Just those little tweaks could make a big difference in a piece like this. The duct tape analogy is brilliant. Many are tempted to use clichés at times like this, but the words you chose is a great fit. I also like how God can still use him; he's not finished with him yet gives hope to many. You've a great take on the topic, a clear message, and you touched my heart with your words. You brought the story full circle and I really enjoyed it.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/07/21
Congratulations on ranking 1st in your level and 15th overall. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.
Laurie Kiel 
05/12/21
Well written with a powerful first line and an important story of redemption. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
JANET JONES
05/12/21
I just noticed I changed point of view in the last two paragraphs. Wow, I don't know how I could have read it so many times and missed it. I'm still learning!