The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/27/18
Good job with the story and character development. I enjoyed the breathe in, breathe out with God's spirit and love.
01/28/18
Great job with the topic.
Well done
Blessings~
A well constructed story with a very clear message. Thank you. God Bless.
This is an interesting story. I quickly became invested in Isabella. I smiled too because my daughter is a first-grade teacher, and boy can it be hard.

For me, your opening didn't really fit. My first thought was a bit sardonic: <i>Who is they?</i> It's also a cliché, which I sense you are a strong writer who doesn't need clichés. Lastly, it seemed contradictory too because what she was doing seemed to work, at least to a degree.

For example, I might edit it like this:

Glancing around the room, Isabella slipped to the corner for a reprieve. <I> I'm afraid I'll scream if I have to tell those kids to be quiet and listen one more time! </i>Isabella braced herself before stepping back into the melee. She inhaled deeply, praying the oxygen would race to her tired brain and help her find a way to wrangle twenty-five kids aged from five to twelve. (Notice that I wrote out all the numbers. Some rules say write out to ten, others to a hundred, but they agree to be consistent.)

That's just a quick example to show you what I meant. By using thoughts, body language, and dialog, you can paint a brilliant mental picture for your reader.

I think your message is great. I especially liked that you wrote out the prayers. Some people don't know how to pray, and this is a great example. The ending was sweet and left me with a smile. Great job.