The Official Writing Challenge
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As a Writer, I see the brilliant idea between the lines; as a Critiquer, I look for perfect rhythm that flows...which this poem does have in some verses, but not in all. Perhaps"free verse" type poetry might be more your cup of tea in this instance. A beautiful idea, however - from a creative mind.
Lovely concept for this enjoyable poem!
A little work on meter and rhythm would really polish up this gem!
You have meditations here that are worth pondering. The rhythm needs a little work, but I agree that this could be a gem!
I agree that the rhthym and meter are a little awkward in places but the imagry was excellent. God bless.