The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Wow this is such a powerful story. You did a fantastic job with it. I liked how you introduced the conflict early on. I also fell in love with each one of your characters.

There were some spots that are excellent examples of showing and not telling. For example: barreled past them and down the brick path
paints a perfect picture in my mind. The verb you selected is a salsa verb--it stands out. However the next part: like a run-away steam engine.
is a touch cliche' and you don't need it because you did such a grand job of painting a picture with your own words.
Also for me, the overuse of ellipses, exclamation points and em dashes can do the exact opposite of what you are trying to achieving. Most experts will agree to use them sparingly so they do pack a punch. Plus like I mentioned before you used words and descriptions that did the exclaiming or pausing for you. Have faith in your words as they have the power, the punctuation is secondary.

Again though, I do want to emphasize what a grand story this is. I reserve the word wow for only stories that touched me in a way I didn't expect and you did just that. I almost could hear the noise and confusion as the busybody invaded the park. The ending tugged at my heart and left me not only with a warm feeling but ways to make a difference to the forgotten that are in my little world. This is an awesome piece and your words did make a difference in my outlook. What more could a Christian writer (or reader) ask for?
I loved this story and it had such a great message. Your characters came to life for me and I could picture the old man sitting there on the bench remembering his wife. You did an amazing job with Alice- a great example of Christian love.

God bless!
Great story with a powerfully heartwarming message, conflict, resolution & strong characters.And you made me tear up as well!
Congratulations for ranking 3rd in level two and 12th overall!
This piece was really touching. Not sure where it was going then "Wham" my heart is torn open when the real story opened up. Great read. Next time we both make into the top ten... AmIright?