Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Savory to the Taste (07/26/12)
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TITLE: Sunshine in Winter | Previous Challenge Entry
By darlene thompson
08/01/12 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
mountains. In winter, snow fell heavy
and winds whistled down the mountain
slopes. On those days, my mother
whipped up a wonderful breakfast of hot
buckwheat cakes, freshly squeezed
juice and strong black coffee.
The nutty fragrance from the
buckwheat filled up the kitchen. The
aroma of strong black coffee waffled
into the nutty scent. As I sat down,
I savored the taste as my mother poured
rich, Vermont syrup with blueberries on
top of my stack of cakes. Thick syrup
oozed slowly down the cakes and pooled
into my plate. Some of the blueberries
slide down as well but most of them
remained on top to fill my palette with
juiciness. Soon my mouth swished with
all the blended flavors of buckwheat
and blueberries. As I finished my
buckwheat cakes, I washed them down
with the strong coffee ground from
fresh coffee beans.
Finally, my mother produced a bowl
filled with half of a grapefruit topped
with one bright, red strawberry.
Together, the sweetness and tartness
made me smile with delight. The aromas
and tastes quickly dissolved winter's
blast into sunshine.
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You do a delightful job of making me almost be able to smell the pancakes and strawberry. You do have some words and phrases that are repeated. If you tighten up your sentences a bit, it'll help avoid that. For example: Something like this, where I tried to condense some of the repeating words or phrases throughout the story might help with the repetition:
On those blustery mornings, Mom's cooking wafted upstairs and the nutty fragrance of buckwheat pancakes mixed with the aroma of freshly ground coffee aroused us and pulled us into the kitchen.
That isn't the best example by far, but hopefully it shows how you can avoid repeating words like buckwheat, blueberries, cakes, aroma, coffee.
Also, you switched from past tense to present when the berries slide down instead of slid down.
Overall though, you did an outstanding job of helping me feel as I stepped into a time machine and traveled into the past with your MC. You nailed the topic perfectly. Savory means more than good taste but as you showed how unlikely ingredients or aromas blend together to form an unexpected masterpiece.
The beginning drew me in right away and I found myself drooling a bit as I read on. Your transitions were smooth and seamless. The ending brings this well-written story to a full circle.
Another area you have mastered is that old show; don't tell dilemma by using words like oozed and swished. They are the perfect descriptive verbs!
Keep Writing!