Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Predicament (03/01/12)
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TITLE: Jane's Perilous Predicament | Previous Challenge Entry
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03/07/12 -
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At 25 Jane was in good health and engaged to a great guy, Jim Hanesbury and with her BA in Sociology she felt she had a good future. That is, until the fourth day at work at Hill& Farm. She didn’t want to appear to be a snob but working as a waitress was much harder than she thought and now she felt out of sorts on what to do.
It was on a Tuesday morning when something happened that made it clear she had to make a decision. Around 10 a couple came in, sat down and looked up at her wanting some service. They looked nice enough but there was something about the way they giggled together that made her feel quite uneasy.
As she walked toward them, she noticed that they stopped talking and took out their cell phones.
“May I help you?”
Both remained silent and then the man spoke up and said, “Why yes, you can help us. We would like some food. Why don’t you surprise us with what you bring?”
“Sir, that is something I can’t do. If I bring you something you don’t like, then you will want something else. You need to make a decision.”
“Well, I detect some snobbery here, don’t I? Well, we’ll see about that! Where is your manager? Bring him or her here!”
Jane wasn’t sure what to do; only that she wanted to get away from both of them. She went to the manager—John Bigley and he reluctantly went to the table and talked with them. Minutes later he said to Jane, “Give them something from the desert selection and when they’re done, see them to the door.”
Jane didn’t question John and went quickly and silently to the pastry section and brought back two pieces of apple pie with ice cream and two coffees with cream and sugar.
She sat them down and the man replied, “Thanks a bunch!”
They ate their pie and drank their coffee but on the way out, John pulled out a gun and said, “Everybody on the floor!”
Jane didn't hesitate. She took her canister of hot coffee and through it directly at the man and that gave her and others working at Hill & Farm time enough to surround and overtake him. The man couldn't do much because the coffee burned his face and chest. Later the police came and carted them both off to jail.
For Jane, it was an experience she would never forget and an experience that led her months later back to college and soaking up knowledge that would lead to a better job--a job teaching others how to communicate, learn and get along with others. It was time to make a difference!
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I wish you had developed the characters more. Let the reader feel what Jane was feeling by painting a picture. Perhaps he sneers at her and his eyes linger on her chest. Or perhaps build up a bit to the part where he took the gun out. Perhaps have him throw the pie on the floor. Show the reader he is a dangerous guy.
I think you have a wonderful concept here. I could easily see you building on this and turning it into a longer suspense story. You certainly did a great job on the topic.
Nicely done. God Bless~