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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Wow! (03/11/10)
A field of flowers - a picturesque vision of lush green grass covered with pure white clovers and rich silky violets spread out all around me. Behind me towered a protective mountain, standing tall and firm in the background like a guardian of this beautiful valley. It had been two years since my experience with the Lord on the mountain, and today was my 21st birthday. I vividly remembered the rainstorm and the earthquake, and the still quiet breeze that God had used to speak to my heart. That day, God had told me to wait. He had encouraged me to continue trusting Him to bring me and my future spouse together in His timing. I had spent the last two years in ministry, never ceasing to pray for the man God had in store for me. I prayed for Biblical qualities that I deemed essential in a husband and I prayed for God to prepare me to be the kind of wife that would deserve such a husband. And today as I sat in a cream white dress amongst thousands of fresh spring flowers, I prayed once again for the glorious moment when I would meet that wonderful person.

Thank You Lord, for this time that You have given me to serve You. You've shown me that there are many young people out there who share my heart for Your work and You've given me many good friends. I know by their presence that there must be a man somewhere that You are preparing to be my match - someone who will love You with all his heart and will love me enough to lay down his life for mine.

Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by the shrieking growl of an animal. It sounded like a mountain lion. I jumped to my feet and looked around me in every direction. I wanted to run for shelter in the woods on the edge of the valley, but I wasn't sure where the sound had come from. The cougar could very well be lurking in the trees, waiting for me to make a move, or it could be hidden behind a cleft of rock on the mountain. Either way, out in the open was not a safe place to be. I set out slowly walking in the direction of home. My house was miles from here but I couldn't stay in the valley with the threat of mountain lions nearby. I kept walking, planning to make a mad dash for home once I got to the edge of the valley.

I snapped my attention to a grouping of trees. Movement. Before I could look more closely the cougar leapt out of its hiding place and began running straight for me. Panic seized my heart and I frantically started fleeing from my pursuer. I knew all hope was gone as it drew closer with each spread of its muscular legs. All I could do was pray.

Fear made my long dress difficult to run in, and I abruptly found myself falling to the ground as I tripped on its hem. The cougar rushed forward, and I shielded my head with my arms. Then seemingly out of nowhere a young man stepped in front of me. I watched in mingled awe and terror as the cougar lunged towards us, mere feet away, and the man expertly threw a knife into its fury chest. It landed with a growl of agony about four feet away as my protector nearly landed on top of me to shield me from the beast. When he was sure it wasn't moving, he got up and helped me to my feet.

"Well," he said, "these are strange circumstances, but nice to meet you." He flashed a charming grin that perfectly matched his bright, gentle eyes.

"Wow. Yo-you could have been killed saving me from that mountain lion. How'd you even find me here?"

"Your father sent me to find you. He invited me to eat dinner with your family tonight. He said I'd probably find you out here, but I didn't expect to find you being attacked by a mountain lion."

"You could have died." I repeated. "I don't know how to thank you."

"What kind of man would I be if I had let you die?"

As he stood like the tall, protecting mountain behind him, I knew that whatever kind of man that would be it wasn't him. He had laid down his life for mine.
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This article has been read 911 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Avigail David
03/19/10
WOW! This is incredible story! I was thinking, "this must be another "'it's only a dream-story." But you did not disappoint a reader like me who was in for an adventure. I enjoyed your thrilling story. I loved the 'providence' in the way the young woman's prayer was answered. Did they marry?
Good job.
AnneRene' Capp
03/19/10
This was so sweet, tender, majestic, romantic and Godly. It also had me on the edge of my seat! :)

I do hope you will write a sequel...just have to see what happens between these two. ;) Good story!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
03/21/10
Very suspenseful with a nice bit of romance thrown in.
Jan Ackerson
03/21/10
Well-written, and will definitely appeal to fans of both romance and allegory.

The first paragraph alluded to a previous experience, and so it lost me for a bit. After a paragraph or so, the narrative really seemed to get back on track.
Beth LaBuff 
03/23/10
You put me in the emotion of the moment with your MC being chased by the mountain lion. You have wonderful symbolism with the hero , "stood like the tall, protecting mountain behind him." I also appreciated the "laid down his life for mine." Nicely written!
Rachel Phelps
03/24/10
Great story with some very intense emotional pull. The tension might have been heightened by some shorter sentences, as you did so beautifully with the one word: Movement. More sentences like that interspersed might kick up it up an extra notch.

Well done.
c clemons
03/24/10
First paragraph was a little to long. Personally I thought the comparisons were a little too trite, we have read them all before, a new twist would have been refreshing. Keep writing.
Loren T. Lowery
03/24/10
I love allegories and this one did not disappoint. The storyline was good, too. My only "red ink" would be to suggest shortening some of your paragraphs. By breaking them up, it would cause the reader to see more of what is happening in the story itself instead of a lot of words on a page.
william price
03/24/10
I enjoyed it. And was engrossed in the feel, visuals and emotion of the piece. The rest of the fine tuning will come with practice, but you have the soul of a writer; a voice that needs to be heard. Keep at it. God bless.
Sarah Elisabeth
03/25/10
Awww!

Interesting how you took it from a time of reflection and praise to a sudden life and death situation.

Good job!
Amanda Brogan
04/16/10
Thanks for the comments and suggestions everybody! For future reference to readers of this story, I wrote it as a sequel to my previous entry "Whispers in the Wind." If you read that one you'll know what storm the character is refering to in the beginning paragraph.