Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Calm (emotionally) (09/13/07)
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TITLE: Professor Higgins and Miss Doolittle | Previous Challenge Entry
By Angeline oppenheimer
09/19/07 -
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The first shock came when I told my American husband that I spotted the Body-Shop and I needed to make a stop to stock up on my facial needs.
“Oh, Body Shop? They do auto repairs and body works on your car--did you notice a car problem I’m not aware of ?” came the innocent reply and the slightly raised eyebrow that somehow irked me.
“You know, cosmetics, moisturizers, eye cream,” I gesticulated.
“Oh…. You mean the Body Shop that the British Green Lady invented and is now in all the malls?”
Dumbly I nodded. Yes, Anita Roddick’s eco-friendly beauty products.
Words became my first stumbling block and it didn’t help that I learned British English from non-native speakers. Compound that effect with colloquial Chinese dialects and I must confess I speak very good Singlish (Singapore English).
However, my good Singlish was not good enough for the demolition officer. Everything I said was blown up and then analyzed to facilitate my learning. I didn’t sign up for that when I said I do.
“Can you on the light?’ it has been coming out of my mouth for so many years, so naturally.
“Excuse me? Did you use a preposition as a verb?”
“Huh?” I wanted to shout “Leave me to my colloquial language idiosyncrasies. Already I’m homesick to death and now, I can’t even speak like I’m home.” but I had to clench my tongue down with all my teeth, as he is now my sole dependent.
Professor Higgins didn’t leave me alone. He was determined to make me a specimen of “Miss Doolittle.”
When I told the guy at the restaurant I needed food to take home, he looked at me and said, “Come again?” Of course, a lecture started in the car right after, “In this country, we don’t say food to take home, we say “food to go.” Right, like they have wheels.
So I can’t say “lorry” when I see a truck ambling down the road. “Trash” is superior to rubbish. Cookies are not biscuits and candies and sweets are the same, yet not? Toilets don’t exist here, only restrooms and don’t ever ask for soft drinks--they only have sodas here. They normally sprout from a fountain, why is that?
When this militant language self-appointed teacher didn’t let up--how can you escape when he even sleeps with you?--I wanted to scream, let down an SOS sign from my balcony and beg to be deported home.
His language program included lecturing me on my grammar (hello? Haven’t you heard that in the Chinese language, there is no such thing as tense?), my word choice and sentence structure, I wanted to kick him in the tush (that has to be a good word choice--he’s Jewish), slap him in the face (no past tense needed here), or pound him in the chest (body part, not furniture). If you notice I refrain from using words ending with “our” or “er” (as in colour vs. color and centre vs. center), it is because I was told I have faulty spelling skills too.
The language reform went on for many months. Habits don’t die naturally, they fight for survival when threatened. So as not to fight over words, so to speak, I’ve learned to speak properly when Mr. Proper is anywhere within ear-shot. I even compiled my own “How to speak like an American when you’re not one” for dummies. I need to preserve my calm---Jesus is my calm in the maelstrom of changes and I’m happy to say, I’m a survivor. However, don’t ever let him in on this one--I still think like a Singlish die-hard because you can take the girl out of the country but you can never take the country out of the girl. Someone said that, I think?
P.S. If this piece is riddled with errors, blame my perfect English teacher!
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Great title--it drew me in, especially since My Fair Lady is one of my favorite musicals!
Great job!