Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Write something suitable for CHILDREN (05/31/07)
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TITLE: Bryan's Cloud | Previous Challenge Entry
By Tyler Petty
06/03/07 -
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Bryan had to live outside, because he got the floor and the carpet wet when he went inside. Everyone would fall down on the floor because it was slippery because of him, and carpet smells bad when it gets wet.
Bryan couldn’t even sleep inside on a regular bed. He had a special bed outside that he slept on. It had a rubber mattress, so the rain wouldn’t soak into it, and yellow rubber sheets, so that it that looked like he was sleeping under a giant raincoat.
Sometimes Bryan’s family would move the TV so that Bryan could watch it through the window. But he couldn’t hear what the people on TV were saying, even though he listened as hard as he could.
Even though he didn’t like it, Bryan got used to the rain. It fell all the time and there wasn’t anything he could do to make it stop, and after a while he didn’t notice he was wet anymore, because he was wet all the time.
But everyone else Bryan knew liked being dry, so they didn’t touch him, because they would get wet if they did. Bryan was very lonely. He only had one friend, whose name was David.
David and Bryan liked to play catch together. They used David’s ball, and David didn’t mind that it got wet when Bryan caught it, because he liked Bryan.
One day David told Bryan that he had an idea. He said he would take Bryan’s cloud for him, so that Bryan could go inside like a normal kid. Bryan said he liked the idea, and David took Bryan’s cloud.
The first thing Bryan did when he went inside was watch cartoons. He laughed when he heard the funny voices. He didn’t think anything could make him happier than hearing cartoon voices, but then his family came home, and he found out real people are better than TV.
They had a bucket of fried chicken for dinner, and Bryan ate three whole pieces. It tasted much better than the food he normally ate, which was special food that didn’t get ruined when it got wet.
Later that day, while Bryan was sitting on the couch with his parents, he saw David sitting outside all by himself. He was very wet and he looked lonely, and Bryan went out to talk to him.
“Thank you for letting me spend the day inside,” Bryan said, “but I’ll take my cloud back now. I couldn’t be happy inside if I knew you were lonely out here.”
David gave the cloud back to Bryan, which was not as hard to do as you might think, and then he said that something exciting had happened. Bryan was surprised when he heard this, because he didn’t think anything exciting could happen under the cloud.
“While I was sitting here,” David said, “I saw a girl walking in the street, and she had a cloud just like yours. I told her about you and your cloud, and she said she wanted to meet you. She should be here soon.”
Bryan saw the girl walking down the road, and he looked down, because that was what he did when people walked past him. After a while, he noticed it was raining harder, which never happened, so he looked up to see what was going on.
The girl was standing right in front of him, so close that their two clouds had become one bigger cloud. She was smiling at Bryan, and she said that her name was Marina. Then she held Bryan’s hand and asked if he wanted to go for a walk with her, and Bryan was happier than he had even been before.
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The sentences could be a little shorter, broken up into smaller sentences. Also this story could use some dialogue--that would help the characters come more alive.
I really liked the ending with the boy and girl sharing one cloud. Also liked the title with its personal name--that always sparks my curiosity.