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Topic: Inner Strength (04/20/06)
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TITLE: Inner Strength (iv) | Previous Challenge Entry
By Mary Reed
04/26/06 -
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When I was a young child I was often afraid of noises and the dark, and found refuge in my parents. Getting a prayer answered when I was 5 sealed my heart; but I believed in God as a child would that He was somewhere out in the universe and occasionally I might say a good enough prayer to get His attention.
As a young married woman, I found strength in my husband who faced the worries and problems of the world while I spent my time enjoying our children. I used to thank God all the time for my husband even when he became an alcoholic after ten years of marriage. Numerous prayers went up for him to that God way out there. I would cry out and ask why the stones instead of bread, unsure He heard me. I began to hear His voice in my heart. One day it said, “Walk with me on the water”. I had no doubt He was talking to me because that was the sermon that night in church. To get divorced was an agonizing decision because if nothing else I was a bulwark about my faith and tormented by the aspect of offending God. Life was often rough to the extent of having 2 nervous breakdowns. I felt guilty for exposing my children to these hardships and asked God to protect them. After 4 part-time jobs I found a shaky full-time one and divorced after 27 years of marriage, asking God to watch over him. It took more love to leave than to stay.
Doing the right thing didn’t guarantee an easy road. In my late forties I had to do all the heavy things my husband always did. Mowing my lawn was difficult and I sprained my side pulling the start mechanism on my pray-it-will-start mower. I had the Hail Mary car that would easily strand me many miles away at my job; and I hired three different shysters when my house needed repaired. I used to laugh with God and tell Him there were more important things to pray about but found out He cared about everything. I prayed He would stand in for the husband I no longer had because I was afraid. A religious person asked me if God was punishing me. I felt like Job in the bible.
I could count on being laid off at least 5 months out of the year at that first job. It was miserable sewing footballs and big knobs formed on my fingers. I was slow and afraid I would be fired. I prayed constantly to God. I thought it was a great blessing to get my second job at a rubber factory with good pay. I was proud of what I could do running a whole line but Goliath lurked around every corner. I had a fairytale notion that if I gave 110% everything would fall into place. In the workforce I encountered hatred; I was slammed for my beliefs, insulted, talked to like a harlot, called a saint, accosted, threatened and my work sabotaged. I was injured 3 times and had a near miss of loosing my right arm. You could always find me working hard and smiling and I did meet some cool people too. Laughing was my favorite pastime but those Goliaths were everywhere I went. Why did God make it so difficult? I learned more about life in 6 years than I did in 40. I had a nervous breakdown at that 7 a week job when both of my girls were pregnant with complications walked out believing God would take care of me.
.After my body and mind were worn out and three more jobs, I remarried my ex-husband who never stopped loving me. All the fairy tales I believed in were not coming my way. Good guys often finished last. I often laugh with God about all my burnt bridges and the 5 in all jobs I had before I remarried telling Him I could always relocate if anything happened to my husband who hadn’t stopped the drinking. I felt a failure in every way possible except for one. I had developed this dialogue with God that seemed so natural and it brings me to tears to think of all that He protected me through. I have no inner strength except in the Lord. When you walk through the valley of darkness long enough you become less afraid of the dark.
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