Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: EERIE (07/28/16)
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TITLE: Eerie on Lake Erie | Previous Challenge Entry
By Terry Bovinet
08/04/16 -
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With the end of the walleye season only two days away, Sue determined to stuff that last empty spot in her freezer with the haul from today’s catch. This year’s calendar graciously extended the fishing season by one day due to Leap Year. Typically, she fished with her husband Bill or her “bff” Jane for the company if not for the security of another hand to help with lines, nets, and their 32- foot boat. Although solid enough to take on Lake Erie, the boat, at times, required two sets of hand to manage the choppy waves and blustery winds swooping down from Canada.
That winter in Cleveland set records for warm temperatures and the lack of snow much to the surprise of longtime residents and even the most experienced weather forecasters. Winter almost always hit Cleveland with brutal temperatures and winds that would forcefully blow snow back in the face of shovelers covered up with only theirs eyes and noses exposed to the elements. Almost always, but not this year.
This morning offered only encouragement to Sue as the thermometer remained well above freezing and the frantic winds blew somewhere, but not on this lake. Bill, not entirely comfortable with his wife tackling the boat and the lake on her own, kissed her and made sure she left with a fully charged cellphone and battery backup on the boat.
Before shuffling aboard at the marina, Sue circled slowly, 360 degrees, and admired the view that lowered her anxiety and raised her anticipation. Off. And, yes, on her own.
She chuckled softly as she thought about the made for television movies that would turn this “three-hour tour” into a dramatic conflict. Woman versus nature. Who would win? Eventually the woman would overcome rather than succumb. After all, those kind of movies usually end with happiness rather than sorrow - with a joyful rather than a recovery rescue.
The contrast of that thought with this day made her trip rather eerie. Temperatures continued to rise to the point that she fished in her LeBron James sweatshirt after taking off her fleece lined jacket. The lake, usually frozen in a solid block of ice over the winter, displayed a reflective glassy surface rather than the rough whitecaps Sue normally encountered. The boat performed at its well-tuned peak. Even her cell phone reception displayed three of five bars.
Sue had never visited the Sea of Galilee, a bucket list item with Bill, but her thoughts moved on to that sea and particularly when Jesus and His disciples navigated those waters from shore to shore. Her boat stood perfectly still as she thought about Jesus quieting the waters, and also about Peter walking on the sea to Jesus. She used the Bible app on her cellphone to read Mark 4:35-41 and then Mark 6:45-56. The headings stated: “Jesus Calms the Storm,” and “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The inspired words from these real stories on a real lake moved her focus away from the catch limit for the day to the limitless power of Jesus when He demonstrated His authority over nature.
A voracious storm raged, and Jesus calmly calmed it. Peter glimpsed at a distant figure walking on the water. After Jesus identified Himself and called out to Peter, Peter initially succeeded in his other-worldly venture. Did the disciples find those events eerie? Eerie, yes. Eerie not in the scary movie sense, but eerie in the remarkably unnatural and peaceful sense once they got it.
Sue got it. An incredible feeling of rightness enveloped her. In these moments, she felt right with God, right with Bill and her friends, right with the world. Given the turmoil she sometimes faced with struggles in her relationships – even that with God . . . sometimes especially that with God – she craved to live with this eerie sentiment long after she left Lake Erie.
FICTION (except for the parts from Mark!)
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One thing I'd encourage you to do is add more body language, thoughts, and dialog. For example, you could do something like this: Sue slammed the freezer door shut and turned to face her husband. "We only have two more days to catch enough fish to get us through whatever type of winter God may throw at us. At least the leap year provided a blessing of giving us an extra day of fishing."
Sue studied her husband's face. When did he start looking so old? The constant worrying about caring for us has done a number on him.
Squaring her shoulders as she stood up as straight as possible, she gently cupped his chin in her hand, "Jan and I can take the boat out. God will watch over us. You need to have faith in both God and me."
I know I didn't necessarily stay true to your story, but I wanted to show you how those little details can make such a difference. You've done a good job telling the story, but next you need to bring it to life.
You do a nice job of building suspense and showing conflict. The story is well-written and flows nicely. Keep writing and read and comment on other stories too. You have a natural gift and I believe we will see you blossom rapidly.