Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: EERIE (07/28/16)
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TITLE: The House on the Prarie | Previous Challenge Entry
By KELLYE JONES
08/04/16 -
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The west Texas prairie loomed on the horizon for miles. There was no vegetation to block the sunset, and it appeared to be resting on the western edge. A thunderstorm was threatening to erupt. The lightening seemed to connect heaven and earth with each jagged bolt. The smell of rain permeated the air. She had stepped out on the patio just so she could feel the breeze. The silence in the house was eerily quiet since her husband had vacated this realm and gone home to be with His Lord and Savior. It had been a long year. Cancer was an ugly advisory, but in the end death had been defeated because Jesus won victory over the grave. She knew her husband had rung the gold victor bell in heaven with Jesus at his side, and that knowledge held her steady during the long silent days and nights. Still at times, she had to escape the eerie stillness of her house. The faithful dog had been her sidekick since the funeral. The shaggy lab cinched up beside her as another bolt of lightening touched the ground. She stroked her loyal friend’s nose. “We will get through this,” she told her dog. She spoke with the confidence of faith, knowing the assurance of the unseen promises of God. She wasn’t sure how long she could keep up this place. It stood on a small hill in the middle of forty acres. Sometimes the loneliness seemed to seep into every square inch of the land. Her dog licked her hand as if to remind her she wasn’t alone. Then as if on cue, the hair along his hackles stood up, and a low menacing howl boiled up from his throat. She didn’t often get scared living out here in the country, but this was eerie. She felt someone or something following her with its eyes. She could feel the gaze penetrating into her. The dog started circling the roof with maddening yelps and deep throated growls. “The rats are back and they are burrowing on the roof,” she thought to herself. She drug out the ladder to determine the culprit. What she saw startled her, never in a million years would she have guessed she would have spied a fox on her roof. The broom stood in the corner. It was her weapon of choice. She lashed it back and forth scurrying the fox back to the prairie. She was braver than she gave herself credit for. Her heart rate stilled to a slower pace. In that moment she felt God’s presence wrap around her. He was here now. His Spirit breathed a blanket of peace that covered the eeriness of a fox on her roof. His voice was all she could hear now. It was louder than her fear. She knew He stood with her in this place on these forty acres. Like the wind that sweeps along the plains, there beside her was God’s tangible presence. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD you God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV. No she was not alone, nor would she ever be. She could face all the eerie things that would come across her path because of the courage God filled her with. God was ever on her side, along with her faithful canine.
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In my opinion, the beginning, runs a bit slow, and you have quite a few passive lines instead of active ones. Just by making those changes, you'll find yourself doing more showing than telling by using dialog, body language, and internal and external dialog. One way to make thoughts stand out is to use italics. You do that like this (but without the spaces): At the beginning of the italicized part you put < i > and at the end (remember to take the spaces out and hit preview so you can see if it worked).
You have a couple of great conflicts that really pull the reader in. The main one in my mind is man vs. nature and man vs. self. For example, in the beginning you could hook your reader with something like:
Sue (I gave her a name to make a connection with the reader.) scanned the west Texas prairie as it loomed on the horizon. Even though the day felt like she could fry an egg on a stone, goosebumps popped out on her arms. I can feel the electricity in the air. Oh, how I wish Will were still with me. As the thunderstorm threatened to erupt, she stepped out onto the patio, inhaling the smell of rain that permeated the air. She closed her eyes and patted her late husband's shaggy lab. "We'll get through this hard time. We just gotta have faith, Bear."
I took some liberties like naming the characters to help the reader connect right away. I also used dialog, thoughts, and body language to paint a picture. Having a certain dialect can also help develop your character too.
You have an outstanding grasp of the power of words. Your choices like permeated, vacated, loomed, and cinched are what Jan of Jan's Writing Basics (a great tool on the forums) often call salsa words. Those verbs pop and tell a visual story. The message is a good one too. I see so much potential in this story. If you're a platinum member, I'd encourage you to place it in the Critique Circle in order to receive more intensive feedback. Keep writing. You have a gift for sure, and I suspect God has great plans for your gift.