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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Cat and Dog (09/04/14)
Arizona Heat

Wiping the sweat off her brow from the unforgiving heat of the Arizona desert, she continued walking down the dirt road that would lead her right into the warzone. Her thoughts battled inside her mind like a championship ping pong match, striking her heart harder with each volley. Tears formed in her eyes but her own will built a dam refusing to let them fall down her cheeks. Memories flooded her mind with each step she took.

Mama! Mama, talk to me!” Rosie screamed as she held her mother’s head in her lap. Blood poured out from the gunshot wound like a broken faucet spewing water. "Help! Somebody help me!” Her words seemed to fade as they blended into the noises of the night life of downtown Tucson. Before help finally arrived, Rosie kissed her mama’s forehead just as she took her last breath. Rosie shook her head as though trying to erase memories captured inside an etch a sketch

The house in the distance loomed just ahead and all she could do was take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. Mama’s house looked pristine and manicured for a house located off an old dirt road. It was nothing like Rosie’s house that was located about two miles south of here. She had moved to be closer as her aging mother needed some occasional help, despite her stubborn need for independence.

As she stood before the front door, Rosie could hear the battle going on already just beyond the walls. It took every ounce of strength to not just run back home and hide in the safety of her personal refuge. Her and her siblings have always fought like cats and dogs and age had not seemed to bring the maturity to straighten them out even now.

Bowing her head, she asked the Lord to give her words of peace and unconditional love. Cautiously, she opened the door and stepped inside. The smell of mama’s perfume looming in the air is what caught her attention first.

The others turned and looked as they heard the oak door shut behind her. Years of fighting had put a wedge between them all and this was the first time they had been together under the same roof in twenty five years. No one knew how to react at this moment. Anger mixed with grief hung in the air like a fog in the early morning light. Silence filled the room and that was a brand new experience for the Gonzales family.

Rosie’s brothers and sisters were both angry at her for taking mom into town so late at night but they were also sad for the horror she must have endured watching as her mom get shot in a random drive by. The question at hand was which feelings were going to prevail today and the days ahead? Rosie’s own guilt wrapped around her like an old family heirloom nobody wanted but was forced to wear.

Suddenly, a shaky voice from the back of the room broke the silence. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost….” Slowly one by one all six siblings joined in and finished singing their mom’s favorite hymn.

When the song ended, Rosie was crying uncontrollably on the floor as one by one her siblings gathered around her like an army swooping in to aid the wounded. For that moment, all the pettiness of the feuds they allowed to tear them apart didn’t seem important. The blame game ceased fire as their attention was focused on the one who had suffered the most through this whole ordeal.

Rosie found the strength to lift her head and look each brother and sister in the eye as she said, “Mama would be so happy right now. This is what she always wanted and prayed to God for faithfully. She longed for us to be a family; a real family that loves each other no matter what.” All nodded silently in agreement.

Without moving from the floor, they each began telling funny stories about their mother and for the moment, the sadness lifted. The sound of laughter erupted continuously and blew healing and relief across their hearts like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Rosie was sure Mama was smiling from the Heavens as her prayers had finally been answered.
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This article has been read 871 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Larry Whittington
09/12/14
This is really good.

You had a way of gradually explaining and revealing the full story as it went along. This is usually very difficult for beginner writers.

Again you did well with the bringing them all together at the end. A nice ending.

Thank you for your writing.
Olawale Ogunsola
09/12/14
Thanks for this piece filled with messages. I love how it ended with peace in the family.
C D Swanson 
09/12/14
Well written this sweet read. I thought it was a very good tale.

God bless~
Joe Moreland
09/15/14
This one caught me by surprise. Your description of a war-zone, coupled with the MC's mother having died from being shot totally had me thinking it was an entirely different type of story than what it turned out to be. It served to really drive the point home strongly that family wars can feel like a literal war.

Your story telling here was exquisite. You let it unfold gradually, paragraph by paragraph and did a lot of showing as opposed to telling, and your MC was compelling, authentic and relatable.

Just an overall great job!
Sheldon Bass 
09/16/14
You've done an excellent job of capturing the reader. Strong visuals connecting us with the MC. This piece looks more advanced than a beginner's entry. Great work!

For some constructive critique, try eliminating a few more non essential words. Your opening paragraph is powerful, hooking the reader straight out of the gate. The 3rd sentence of that paragraph... "Tears formed in her eyes but her own will built a dam refusing to let them fall down her cheeks." I felt would be more powerful by taking out, "her own will built". Perhaps, "Reaching deep, she found the will to dam them up, refusing to allow those tears to spill..." But maybe that's just personal taste?

Again, good work. I look forward to your next entry!
Lindsey Ruby 
09/16/14
"Without moving from the floor, they each began telling funny stories about their mother and for the moment, the sadness lifted. The sound of laughter erupted continuously and blew healing and relief across their hearts like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Rosie was sure Mama was smiling from the Heavens as her prayers had finally been answered."

My mom died when I was 5-years-old (in 1985)(her photo is on my profile page) and this last paragraph is exactly how it is for me in real life. To remember the funny stories or at least hear others tell them does my heart such good.

I really like this one!
Rachel Barrett
09/17/14
That was excellent. I agree with Joe, I was expecting a totally different story. But you drew a fine parallel between the imagery of a war zone and a family's fights. Wow.

It really drew me in, and kept me reading all the way. I could relate to it because of things that happened in my own family after a death.

That was strongly written. Somehow I don't think you'll be in Level 1 much longer...
Judith Gayle Smith-Owens Vitouswykegardinerclark
09/18/14
If the judges ignore this noble piece, I will have to eat my big toes, which will make it very difficult for me to walk in your example of an extremely well-written story. Sigh. I see you shooting up to Masters level before me. This was filled with inspiring magic . . .
C D Swanson 
09/18/14
Congratulations!
God bless~
Judith Gayle Smith-Owens Vitouswykegardinerclark
09/20/14
So happy I don't have to eat my big toes!

Great story - God bless you muchly . . .
Sheldon Bass 
09/22/14
Hey Congrats! I figured this would do well.
Rosey Mucklestone
10/02/14
Good job and great descriptions! Loved the name choice on the MC. ;)
Rosey Mucklestone
10/02/14
Good job and great descriptions! Loved the name choice on the MC. ;)
Roy Proctor
08/13/16
Your use of words is extraordinary. But I do believe you need to think abut structuring and developing you plot. Paragraph one seemed to be useless. Why not start with paragraph two and then explain the shooting. The rest of the story is powerful.

But the confusion between paragraph one and the real plot of the story is unclear.

Your telling about the shooting and now the lead character is unclear. The reader has to wade through your structuring, especially from paragraph to the next.