It's time to die | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: It's time to die | Previous Challenge Entry
By Phillip Cimei
05/06/14
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“It's time to die”; those words kept ringing in my ears. How do you fathom the finality of ones physical life in those few words. This wasn't just a silly insignificant moment in time like, “it's time to get up”, or “it's time to eat”. These were final words, words uttered by executioners, war mongers and people in control of your fate. God, they say, is the only one that really knows when it's “your” time. He knew about today. My life is out of control; it's in total and complete shambles. My cry is that of Job's, “So that I would choose strangling and death rather than my bones; I loathe my life, I would not live forever, leave me alone for my days are a breath.” Job 7:16 (KJV) The sting of this rope is calling. It's time to die.

No one grows up wanting to have an end like this. I certainly didn't. I had God fearing parents who wanted me to be a pillar in the community. My grandparents, uncles and aunts, friends and neighbors were ground in the faith. We had tradition. We feared God and kept His commandments. We worshiped faithfully and prayed to a God that was in control of our very being. What happened to me? What was this power I had no control over. It was as if it was meant to be. Something was tugging at my soul, and then it happened.

I got in with the wrong crowd, is what my father said. I met someone that filled my need and I left my secure life. It was my calling, I said to myself. I had been wandering the desert of a purposeless life and then my oasis appeared. The leader was charismatic, and had a way of drawing young men from their families. I was caught up in the novelty of their group and soon joined in with them.

My mother pulled me into her bosom stroking my hair and pleading for me not to forsake God and family for this gang, these outcasts. My mother reminded me, “ Be not overly wicked, neither be a fool, why should you die before your time.“ Ecc 7:17 (KJV) My brothers cursed the day I was born for bringing shame to the family and grief to my parents. Eventually my parents would turn their heads at my appearance. My relatives scorned me. The religious community called me a traitor and a hater of God. I had become a cancer to their sacred body. Their solution was for me to be banished, ostracized; treated like a leper. I made my choice and now I had to live with it.

I didn't care. I learned to ignore the looks, the whispers and contemptuous frowns. I belonged, and after several years I felt connected. Then, doubt crept in like a storm at sea Slowly my mind was tossed to and fro. Confusion wrapped itself around loyalty and squeezed the life out of it.

What was I to do? I was living a lie. Sleep evaded me; I walked around in a daze and was at the brink of lunacy. Who was I to turn to ? Who would set me straight? I know! I'll go back to my old religious leaders and seek their advice. They did say, “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.” Prov. 12:25 (KJV).

I sought out their advice. I turned my back on my friends and crawled like a whipped dog to the counsel of the elders. But, their words were like sharp and cruel. They said in order for me to be welcome back I must rid their community of this scum of the earth. I must become a traitor in order to be redeemed of my transgressions. I wrestled with this outrageous demand; who was I to question these wise men that knew the word of God.

That is why I am standing at the precipice of self destruction. Yes, my life had turned into total chaos and doubt. I carried out their plan even though it was-in my view-an omnishambles. They laughed at the weakness of my spirit. That weakness was my undoing. And now, all I have is a bag of regrets and the memory of my mother's last words, “Judas, your new friend Jesus will be the death of you”. I guess she was right.

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