Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Commitment (01/05/12)
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TITLE: The walk | Previous Challenge Entry
By Malin Boman
01/11/12 -
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They use to love it here, sitting under the trees the two of them talking and laughing together. Oh, how I loved to hear their laughter echo through the garden and as soon as they would spot me they would come running towards me eager to share their stories with me. We had so much fun together, so much joy and so much love.
But today was different. I didn’t seem to find them anywhere. Where were they? ‘Adam?’ Yet, all I could hear was the birds in the trees but not a sound of the two of them. This was unusual. ‘Adam, where are you?’ Still nothing. I kept looking as I weaved myself through the trees. Then suddenly, amongst the fig trees I thought I saw something move, I walked closer. ‘Adam, is it you?’ Adam’s sheepish face popped out of the foliage, and I could see Eve standing behind him trying to not to be seen. Her hair was pulled forward to cover some of her face.
This was certainly a most unusual behaviour from both of them who would normally run towards me and throw the arms around my neck. What had happened? Adam kept his gaze on the ground before him while keeping a big fig leaf in front of him. He was shaking.
‘What’s the matter? What have you done?’ I asked him feeling a sense of utter sadness roll over me. I didn’t know if I was able to cope with his answer.
‘I heard you coming so I hid here in the garden because I was afraid and naked’ Adam admitted while still looking away from me. He seemed to be trembling with terror.
I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing. ‘Who told you that you were naked? My heart sank into a sea of sadness as I realized what they both had done.
No longer would we take walks in this beautiful place together, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Our love relationship had been broken and I my heart was committed to find a way for them to return.
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It did surprise me in the the middle when I realized this was God's perspective.
Good story, keep writing!
Love the picture of God's commitment to us.
Some errors in sentence structure and punctuation
are noted.
For ex:
"Not sure of where I would find them I headed down the garden path that takes you to the fruit orchards trees on the sunny slopes on the south side of the river Pishon."
The above sentence needs a comma after "them." To tighten the sentence, you might consider writing as:
"Not sure of where I would find them, I headed down the garden path that leads to fruit orchards and sunny slopes on the south side of the river Pishon."
I'm sure there are other ways to make the sentence clear and concise with less words. Have you noticed, I also tend to be "wordy" when I write.:-)
A great visual of the Genesis story.
You had several little errors that a good proofreader would catch. In the last sentence of first paragraph where should be were. Then in the next sentence use should be used. Also when describe the path to the river you used the word "you". It could have been more descriptive if you said something like There is a footpath that runs parallel to the River. Try to avoid the universal you.
I liked how you showed God's commitment to humans. It touched my heart when you described how it saddened him. I think this was a creative spin on God's commitment to us.