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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Commitment (01/05/12)
“I do” and, “I do.”
One fine Spring day.
No rain sprinkled our garden
this lovely day in May.

Perfection radiated
our smiles glowed
The Dandelions thistles
through gentle air glowed.

And, bonny was all
years it seems.
Then, we laughed...
Oh, but ...
just a dream.

Funny...Isn’t it?
Don’t you agree?
One man’s vows
differ from you and me?

Measurement of boundaries
limitations that very
no man’s the same;
except rarely.

The vow vested by one
and neglected by the other
stirred strife that crumbled
the hearts of lovers.

Though years passed
with one chip at a time
by the end of twenty
left less than a dime.

Dust heaped corners
rust ate their pipes
wretched love rotten;
way past ripe.

So, vows sincerely promised
flew like thistles in fall.
And, the promise of
love fizzled.
Those wanting days
...no calls...

And, the hope of love vanished.
Leaving two figures alone.
Once lived brethren
now, statues of stone.

Ruby hearts
then so red
cold grey granite
now remained instead

FURIOUS RAGING!
Pointing fingers!
The judges gavel
Two souls linger.

The final verdict?
DIVORCE GRANTED!
Twenty years lost...
And, those beautiful flowers?
...
never planted.

Now...
A realist
understand man’s score
vows made in good faith
appear like Roars!

But, truth of man
far from God
measures a vow
stipulated marks
on a rod.

Though God forgives
and, man makes deals.
God’s commandments
cause mankind to kneel.

Some take discipline
dealt by man
and thumb their nose up
with their hand.

But, when man kneels
before God
best be humble
take head His good prod

for,
Grace and mercy
The Lord bends
and to His sons
chastisement
He rends.

To those He loves
He disciplines His child
and vows broken
forgiven ...
for a while

But, heed!
Boundaries stretched
past His line?
He points back...
leaving chaos behind...

And, she’s a cynic
dubious love detest
but, a bride of Christ
her only request.

Pledging her love
unfailing and true,
yet, merely a sinner
grace pardoned, too.

He asked?
“Trustworthy
are you... to me?”
Answered,
“Lord yes,
I knealt at your tree!”

“No, my dear.
Not what I asked.
Are you trustworthy?
Are you up for the task?”

“Oh Lord, I try
But, human... am I.
And, your task
to say “yes”
Oh, I can only try.”

Let my yes be yes
and my no be no
Fore lord I can not
tell you so

There is a face behind my face
One of fear and doubt
It is my truthful face
that shouts

This is my truth!
Of which I know
Only God himself
Delivers me so.


“You know my gift
my offer, my love?”
She said,
“with all my life
to You I entrust.”

“Then, single-minded,
My Handmaiden shall serve!
Trustworthiness found!
Now tame your nerve..."

“I shall my Lord!”
She uttered, so well.
But, the task will determine
her vow;
It will tell...

And, the vow,
the pledge,
the promise of service
measure
the total of
her trustworthiness.

So, the bride wed the groom
aye it seems
in a bond of love
and not a dream.

For man makes promises
he can never hold
but, the groom makes commitments
witnessed in skys so bold.

A rainbow tops heavens
seen by all.
The promise from the bridegroom
e're He calls

And, watching heavens
after a rain
boldly see the promise
again and again.

For His commitment
unlike human
indelibly plus tomorrow...
Be certain

And Grace and Mercy
lead us by arm
to our Father
where ...
vows, pledges and promises
mean as they are

Man fallen
and God not
A great Father He is!
Eternal, forever, and
perpetually sincere
and a keeper of His promise
that we can trust!

Genesis 9:15 "I will remember my covenant between Me and all living creatures. Never will waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears I will see it and remember My everlasting covenant."
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This article has been read 987 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Judy Sauer 
01/12/12
Writing poetry is not easy. Keep working at it.
Michele Fleming 
01/12/12
This was hard to follow for me. Good luck and keep writing!
Kristine Baker
01/13/12
I think commited love happened and then fell apart.

Try reading this out loud to see where punctuation fits in.

Great attempt at poetry, it is hard to write. Don't give up!
bo Jennings
01/13/12
Perhaps the 3 critiques need to read this poem out loud. And really read it. Do not skim it but read it to your significant other. Your will read man is imperfect but God is perfection.

Next time you critique make certain YOU really read or DO NOT offer your opinions.

When I do not like a written piece, I ignor.

This poem is deep and probably past the average reader. It is intended for those who have lived, suffered with brokiness and has come to the foot of the cross because God is our only source of truth and hope for a meaningful life.

You obviously have no ability to know the depths of a soul and can not appreciate writing from those dark places.

Lillian Rhoades 
01/14/12
In my opinion, this poem moves from man's relationship to man to man's relationship with God. There ARE some rhyme, meter, and syntax issues. However, the symbolism and imagery to describe commitment by man to each other, man to God, and God to man is clear.

With more attention to the stated problems above, this poem has lots of potential.

Opinions are just that, and all opinions should be respected.

Here's some good advice that I read about writing poetry:

•Show your poem to others and ask for criticism. Don’t be content with a response like, “That’s a nice poem.” You won’t learn anything from that kind of response. Instead, find people who will tell you specific things you need to improve in your poem"
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
01/14/12
This is really lovely. I imagine, depending on where the reader is at what point in life will affect how one reads it. I like pieces that speak different things to different people.

I'm not sure but I think instead of limitations that very, you may have wanted vary. At least that is how I read it. Perhaps knealt is a British spelling but I'm used to seeing it as knelt.

I think some may have difficulty following as you went quite deep. But for everyone who stumbled, you will never know how many other people your words may touch and in ways you may never envision.

It's wonderful how God uses words like these.

Lastly, try to remember every comment is just an opinion, one person's POV. I know when I leave feedback, I pray first and try to be honest. Though it is always nice to hear,"Great job" I have grown most from constructive comments and from learning what works for some may not work for others. I write and offer critiques to glorify God and that is what is most important.
Nancy Bucca
01/14/12
You packed a lot into this poem, and it truly is deep.
It was rather long for a poem, but I liked it for its richness and variety.

As for all the varied comments, I see it as a very, very good thing. I would much rather have a variety of comments than no comments at all (which has happened with a couple of my own pieces; afterwards I figured they must have really been off the mark. Yes, I did learn something from it, but I'd rather have some comments, whether good or bad, than none at all).

I'm sure that all these critiques will be a great learning experience, and I'll bet that if this poem doesn't win a prize, your next one will.