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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Much Ado about Nothing (not about the play) (07/28/11)
Lost and Found:

"Where is it," Sally exclaimed. "What," replies her mother. "My favorite pair of shoes," Sally answers while she is on her knees looking under the bed. "Have you looked in the closet," Sally's mother asks. "Yes, I have and I didn't find them there". Sally's mother asks, "Where is the last place you saw them"? "In my room, but they don't seem to be here now", as she burrouows further under the bed. "Oh, that's where that top went," she says" "Great, there is that library book I lost last year," Sally mutters. "Sounds like you young lady need to do a better job of cleaning your room," said her mother who stood there with hands on her hips and tapping her sandaled foot. "Yes, mam, starting tomorrow I will do better, but right now I need to find those shoes and quickly, I'm already late".
Sally's mother leaves and a few minutes later in walks Sally's sister, "What's up?" "I can't find my favorite shoes," Sally replies. "Oh, you mean these I'm wearing?" Sally wails, "Mom, Jill is wearing my favorite pair of shoes without my permission and I want them right now". "What's the big deal, I found them in the den and just put them on," Jill esclaimed. "Why are you making much ado about nothing? This pair of shoes isn't worth blowing a gasket over". "Take them off," Sally demanded. "Alright, already I'm taking them off, their not really my style anyway". Jill said, "You've done it now, here comes mom". "Mom enters the room and says, "Girls stop your bickering, I could hear the both of you all the way out to the kitchen, enough is enough"! "Jill apologize to Sally, and Sally I thought you said that the last time you saw those shoes was in your bedroom?" Jill said, "Sally I'm sorry for wearing your shoes without permission". And Sally said, "I disremembered seeing them in the den last, Mom, I'm sorry". "I guess I didn't need to get so bent out of shape about them, but they are my favorite shoes, I know, I know, that's no excuse, while she is putting them on." "I'm sorry, Mom, and I'm sorry Jill." Then Sally says as she leaves her bedroom and quickly goes down the hall towards the front door, "I'm late so I'll see you all later, bye for now."
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This article has been read 843 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Kathleen Langridge
08/04/11
Good story. You need to investigate formatting of dialogue. It would help the flow and clarity.
CrisC Ramirez
08/04/11
Cute story! Very real because it happens to us all. Love how you made the real connection.
Von Pickett
08/04/11
Cute story. Writing in need of spellcheck and formatting. Writer has potential for story telling.
Lillian Rhoades 
08/09/11
In most instances, if you format your dialogue so that what each person says is on a different line, then it won't be necessary to tell the reader whose talking. "Sally says," Sally's mother asks..."

Spacing is key. It makes your piece easier to read. Check out some of the Level 4 stories. Edit, edit, edit. I noticed a few spelling errors. For ex. They're rather than their, burrows rather than burrouws, and exclamied rather than esclaimed.

I loved the thought that not only were the shoes found, but also a new and deeper relationship between the sisters.
Lillian Rhoades 
08/09/11
I must follow my own advice.:-)exclaimed rather than exclamied
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/10/11
The story is and sweet and typical of so many siblings.

You need to start a mew paragraph each time there is A new speaker. Even one one word like What? should be in its own paragraph. Also get rid of the tags like said exclaimed by painting the reader a picture. For example in the beginning say something like: She flopped on her belly and looked under the bed. It lets the reader know who is talking as well as what they are doing when they are talking.

You've a great start at weaving a story. Keep writing and try not to get discouraged. You definitely have a natural storytelling gift.