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Topic: Black (10/15/09)
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TITLE: Another Sweet Purpose | Previous Challenge Entry
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10/18/09 -
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Painful memories that I fought to forget held me captive until I turned to Jesus. Each tear, He gently wiped. With every lie, He taught truth. And each crisis, He carried me through. His unconditional love freed me.
As a simple minded five year old girl, I didn’t understand what I did wrong. Unable to comprehend sexual abuse all I knew is it hurt. Purity ripped away. And confidence exchanged for shame, trust for suspicion. Life turned black. I couldn’t react by screaming, “Help!” Instead I bottled each emotion.
The questions I couldn’t figure out, the enemy always had answers. “It’s because you’re a girl.” Or “Your body made them do this.” I just knew I was to blame. And I grew up with a secret that kept me in bondage with self hatred. Unhealthy coping skills patterned throughout my childhood into my twenties. I’d do anything to ease the pain. Self medicating, unhealthy relationships, eating disorders and anger threw me into destructive cycles that I could not break.
Repetitive negative thoughts created a distorted image of how God felt about me. Satan reminded me. “God doesn’t like dirty little girls.” But as I grew, a small part of me believed that God must be the way to peace. Because the ways I tried finding it had submerged me with sorrow.
Satan didn’t give up. “The only way to peace is to die.” I believed the lie. If I wanted God, I had to get to heaven. I didn’t understand that I could’ve had a relationship with Him and lived in this black world at the same time. After three failed suicide attempts I concluded that my plans were not His. I reached my hands up to the skies and asked, “What, God, What?” and “How, God, How!” And that’s when He started to show me.
Through prayer, His Word, and my surrendering my ways to follow His, He pulled me out of the sticky mud and placed me on a solid rock. He hosed off my sin when I repented, gently laid His hands on my shoulders, and began healing the little girl who began to weep for the first time.
Unanswered prayers suddenly answered and deliverance from addictions that only He could sever. Mind changed. Heart renewed. And eyes opened to what God created me to be, a follower of Him and His ways so that I could truly live.
Little by little, I was able to see who I am. Not who I am through the eyes of the enemy, but who I am through the eyes of Jesus. Purity restored. Confidence and trust built and un-forgiveness nailed to the Cross. And a sweet purpose of the once broken and abused little girl, reconciled and steadily standing next to her Savior abiding in Him, exchanging Satan’s lies for God’s Truth. And spreading the Good News to others who tread in darkness that, Yes! God pays us back for what others try to steal when we let Him.
He lifted me out of the sticky mud. He stood me on a rock and made my feet steady.
Psalm 40:2- NCV
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