Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Illustrate the meaning of "Don't Cut off Your Nose to Spite Your Face" (without using the actual phrase or litera (02/14/08)
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TITLE: The River of Blood | Previous Challenge Entry
By Grace .
02/21/08 -
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The water seemed so far and yet so close. The bright red bridge felt cooled under his feet. The setting sun seemed to tell him to let go and jump. He couldn’t do it; something was holding him back.
He remembered the blood; it had drizzled down his face and neck as if it wouldn’t stop. The bigger kids at school had done it. The most feared kid had pulled out his pocket knife. All he could see was the blade in his face and then there was the pain and never stopping tide of blood. All the while, his girlfriend had just stood there and watched. She hated him, he knew it.
He reached up to his cheek and touched the raw wound. It had finally stopped bleeding, but the terrible gash was still there. He couldn’t let his family and friends see him this way; he couldn’t let it be a reminder of his defeat.
A van passed by, tugging at his hair. A mustang slowed but didn’t stop. As he stood there a small black focus stopped at his side. The window rolled down.
“Hey.” The driver said. “Need a ride? It’s getting later, I could take you home.”
“No.” The boy said. “I don’t need help.” He turned his scarred cheek away.
“Are you sure? You look a little young to be out here on your own. Get in the car.”
“No. I don’t need help. Please go away.”
“Well at least take this granola bar.”
“No! I don’t want help. I can take care of myself. Now, go away!”
“All right.” The man said. He threw the bar next to the boy, rolled up his window, and drove away.
Anger flared up inside him again. He had to do this. He looked behind him to make sure the man had gone. Then, without letting himself think any more, he jumped. His feet left the Golden Gate bridge as the sun set into the water, streaking it with red as if it were covered in blood.
He gasped when he hit the water. The shock of it reopened his wound. The water filled with blood; he could see it all around him. Instinct told him to struggle, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to end his life.
The world was beginning to spin around him; his senses were starting to fade. In the subconscious part of his brain he felt something grab his shirt and drag him out of the water. Then the world finally went black
He woke to find himself on a small fishing yacht. A man was standing over him.
“Who are you? And what the blazes where you doing in the middle of the lake?!” He said as if he were crazy. “Well are you going to answer me?”
The boy decided not to tell the crazy man the truth. “I fell.” He looked away, hiding the injured side of his face.
“You fell, huh. I don’t believe that rubbish.”
The boy couldn’t contain his anger. “You weren’t there! How would you know?! I was the one who did it!” He turned away and crossed his arms.
The man was silent for a minute. “You’re right. I wasn’t there. How would an old man like me understand? Now where do you live? I’ll take you home.” He gave the boy an odd look. “How old are you, and what is your name?”
“I don’t need help, but my name is James and I’m thirteen.”
“To bad. I’m taking you home.”
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A couple typos that would probably be caught with another proofing.
Good job with putting the reader inside the MCs head.
Be careful of small errors, such as the "to" for "too" near the end.
This had some great moments, and your writing skills are quite evident.
Good beginning, gripping body, short (yet good) ending!
You should write a sequel!
All around, excellent story. Keep writing! ^-^
A few small errors, such as the Golden Gate Bridge is across San Francisco Bay, so the main character would not be in a lake.
Keep writing.
Laury
"He remembered the blood; it had drizzled down his face and neck as if it
wouldn’t stop. The bigger kids at school had done it. The most feared kid had
pulled out his pocket knife. All he could see was the blade in his face and
then there was the pain and never stopping tide of blood. All the while, his
girlfriend had just stood there and watched. She hated him, he knew it.
He reached up to his cheek and touched the raw wound. It had finally stopped
bleeding, but the terrible gash was still there. He couldn’t let his family
and friends see him this way; he couldn’t let it be a reminder of his
defeat."
"his girlfriend had just stood there and watched. She hated him, he knew it."
A good end!
Like to read More from you. : )
I too, Learn from all your Comments. Thank you.
Thanks for the tip Jan, I will keep these thing in mind when I write a story.
Enjoy and Keep in the Writing Lane.
God bless, Helen