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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Angry (08/02/07)
We lived in constant fear. No, not fear for our lives so much as the fear of humiliation. My brothers and I had grown up with it, so it was normal in a sick kind of way. It wasn’t something we were conscious of at the time. Only in later years, as we looked back on it, would we begin to understand.

He was a man of great compassion and a man with great responsibilities. He was a respected leader in the community. But at home, he was a man with a temper so spontaneous and unexpected that it would cause even the bravest of brave to cower. He was also our father.

Inappropriate comes to mind. That was the real fear, more so than the anger itself. We lived in constant fear of his anger exploding at an inappropriate time. Would he explode when our friends were around? How about at a restaurant while enjoying dinner? In the back of your mind there was always a nagging little reminder that you needed to be prepared for the worse, no matter what the circumstances. It was a form of terrorism really.

Not that our father was a terrorist. He was just a person who was struggling with his own demons. As an adult I can now look back at the situation, and at him, and see the why. At least I have convinced myself that I can see the why. He had his own family history, his own genetic and generational struggle he had to fight against. And he did fight against it…he just often failed in his fight.

So now my brothers and I carry on the fight. I still experience that feeling, that sickening feeling of wanting to just make yourself disappear, to pretend you don’t even know this person. I experience that feeling when I see the look on my children’s faces when I am angry with them…I see myself all those years ago, and I remember.

I take them in my arms and tell them I am sorry. I ask for their forgiveness and I tell them I love them.

It stops here.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Dee Yoder
08/18/07
This is truly a powerful entry. It emphasizes that physical violence is not the only way to harm the children in our lives, and the angry spoken word can often last a lifetime in a child's mind. I'm glad you entered this honest and important message in the Challenge. Great writing.